


His Fault

by CartoonBoyfriends



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood and Injury, Burns, Captivity, Chains, Cracked Gems, Crying, Electricity, Fire, Gen, Misgendering, Not Beta Read, Seizures, Self-Sacrifice, Steven is called Rose and she/her, Stuttering, Temporary Character Death, Torture, Whipping, Whump, brotherly relationship between steven and lars, mentions of vomit, past trauma, slightly more realistic space travel than canon (i.e. slower)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-16
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:40:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22749472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CartoonBoyfriends/pseuds/CartoonBoyfriends
Summary: "This is all your fault!" Lars balled his fists. "Again!" He looked like he wanted to punch Steven in the face, but, remembering his wrists were chained together, instead simply brought his hands to cover his own face and continued to cry.Steven flinched, ever present guilt eating at his stomach. "Y-yeah, I know. I'm so sorry."It's his fault, it's his fault, it'shis fault it's HIS FAULT-Steven took a deep, shuddering breath. He had to fix this. "Lars, I'm going to get you out of here."
Comments: 56
Kudos: 144





	1. His Fault

**Author's Note:**

> (That's a placeholder title; I don't really like it that much, but can't think of anything else.)
> 
> This is a Steven Universe AU Where the cluster wasn't predicted to emerge for another 5 years. Everything happens pretty much the same as canon besides the cluster (they build the drill and bubble it before it causes any Earthquakes), and when Aquamarine comes to collect humans for the zoo; this time, she comes 4 years later, and Steven is 18 (Lars is 22). He also knows his mom was Pink diamond, and has been through a lot.
> 
> Essentially an AU where everything is the way I want it to be so that I can cry about my poor baby Steven.
> 
> This is my second ever fanfiction, and first ever whump, so. Please be gentle with me. Also first time posting on ao3, so help with tags and etiquette is greatly appreciated! And thanks for reading!

Steven's eyes fluttered open to darkness. While it didn't help much with figuring out where he was and what had happened, he supposed it was a small relief; light would certainly make the pounding at the back of his head even worse. He took a deep breath, and took in what he could from his other senses.  
  
He was lying on his back on a hard, cold surface. He could hear a mechanical whirring that sounded like it was coming from another room. He felt bruised, battered, and dizzy ... _oh_  
  
It was when Aquamarine had slammed him against a wall, and it took him far too long to get back up that he had decided to give himself in.  
  
By the time he had managed to stand and get Aquamarine's attention again, she had broken Connie's arm and poofed Amethyst. They had been in many dangerous situations before, and they had all been hurt many times before. Steven had been scared before, plenty of times. But this was the first time he really couldn't see any way out. Any way besides bargaining; himself for his friends. Rose Quartz, the rebel, the traitor, for a few _measly_ humans.  
  
Steven shuddered as the full weight of what he had done came back to him. Aquamarine must have knocked him out shortly after they set off for Homeworld. He lifted his hand with a little difficulty and rubbed at the bridge of his nose, trying to soothe some of the pain in his head. He sat up far too quickly and clenched his teeth as a wave of nausea washed over him, the pounding in his head making him short of breath.  
  
He licked his palm and pressed it to the back of his head, between his curls. He would've thought it was gross if the pain wasn't so distracting. He felt a tingling sensation spread across the back of his skull, and sighed in relief, his headache dissolving.  
  
It was then that he noticed the weight around his wrist, and the metallic clanking that came with his movements. Bringing a hand to the opposite wrist, he felt a metal band surrounding it. He ran his fingers down the chain connected to it.  
  
Just great, _fantastic_. He had given himself up willingly, was this really necessary? Experimentally, he tried shapeshifting his hand smaller to slip out, but the band simply shrunk with him. _Of course_.  
  
Steven patted his pockets, and was mildly disappointed, but not surprised to find them empty. Ah well; he knew his phone wouldn't have worked for calls or texts too far away from Earth anyway. He had just been hoping for some comfort, something familiar in an unfamiliar place.  
  
Steven huffed and pulled on one of the chains, feeling and hearing it slide towards him across the floor. He stood up, wobbling only slightly, feeling along the chain, and making his way across the room, when-  
  
" _Shit-_ "  
  
He stumbled and fell as something tugged on his ankle and stopped his foot from being where it needed to be. Groaning, he reached down and felt the chain connecting the metal bands on his ankles. He mentally scolded himself for swearing; Pearl hated that, even in the heat of battle. _There are better words to express yourself with, Steven._  
  
Oh, Pearl ... he already missed her so much. Steven pushed those thoughts from his head with a frown. Not now.  
  
He stood up again, careful to only step as far as the chain between his ankles would allow. He followed the one connected to his wrist all the way to a wall, and then felt as it traveled upwards. He jumped and floated, intending to find where the chains were attached; it might be a weak point.  
  
Just in case, of course, he was quick to remind himself; he wasn't planning on escaping. He had to do this- for his family. Besides, he'd just explain everything to The Diamonds, and they'd be so relieved that Pink wasn't shattered, they'd end the war on Earth, right?  
  
Right, okay.  
  
He reached the end of the chain; it disappeared into a hole in the wall just big enough for it to fit through. About 5 feet to the left, he found an identical hole and chain, and reasoned that this was where the chain on his other wrist ended. He drifted down to the floor and leaned against the wall he was chained to with a sigh.  
  
He really didn't want to be alone with his thoughts, but there wasn't much else to do. The trip to Homeworld would last a week at least, assuming no electromagnetic interference, or other obstacles. He should probably come up with a plan anyway. What should he expect? Is he going to get the chance to talk to Yellow or Blue diamond?  
  
Steven sniffled, and hot tears pricked at his eyes, all of the stress built up in the past few hours finally spilling out. He buried his face in his arms as his throat ached, begging him to cry. What if he never saw the gems again? His dad? Connie? He told the gems and Connie that he loved them, but there was so much more he wanted to say. His dad wasn't even there to see him go; what would he think?  
  
He thought of their faces when he gave himself up, the hurt, the terror, the _anger_ ... he couldn't help but feel like it was directed at him. Hopefully they'd understand someday; either he'd explain everything and end a thousands-of-years-long interplanetary war, or-  
  
Steven shook his head. No, best not to agonize over that possibility just yet.  
  
He heard footsteps approaching, and wiped at his face with the end of his jacket sleeve. He turned his head towards the sound and noticed that there was a soft glow about 4 feet off the ground on the opposite wall; that must be the control panel for the room ... prison cell? As the steps got closer, he could hear voices.  
  
"... but let's not get cocky shall we? Just in case-"  
  
The voices were right on the other side of the wall now. Steven heard a muffled beep just after who he assumed was Aquamarine finished speaking. Then a clicking, whirring, and clanking right behind him. The chains slid across the floor and up the wall, pulling him with them as they went. Steven gasped as he was lifted into the air, sliding up the wall. He came to a stop with a jerk, arms spread apart and full weight supported by his wrists.  
  
A portion of the opposite wall slid aside, and Steven's eyes watered at the sudden brightness flooding in from the hallway outside. He could see two figures through his squinting, one small and floating in the air, and one tall and wide; Aquamarine and Topaz.  
  
Aquamarine floated into the room, snapped her fingers, and the room filled with light that seemed to emit from the entire ceiling. Steven took a sharp breath through gritted teeth as his headache threatened to come back.  
  
"Ah, so you're awake" Aquamarine said.  
  
He grunted; _as if_ she didn't know that stringing him up a wall by his wrists would wake him.  
  
"We've brought you a friend."  
  
Steven's eyes shot open, no longer caring about his head or his wrists. He watched, stomach dropping, as Topaz nudged Lars into the room. Lars tripped over his manacles, the same way Steven did at first, falling flat on his face. Steven gasped and then growled. He aimed a seething glare at Aquamarine, his pain turning to rage.  
  
"We had a deal! I said I'd go with you if you left my friends and family alone!"  
  
"We found him hiding on the ship after we left; wouldn't want to let such a happy accident go to waste!" Aquamarine grinned wickedly.  
  
"No!" Steven practically screeched. "No, you take him back right now!"  
  
Aquamarine laughed and floated closer to him. He clenched his fists, manacles cutting further into his wrists. "I don't think you're in any position to make demands right now, _Rose_ " she spat out the last word like it burned her mouth.  
  
"I swear, if you don't-" Steven started, through clenched teeth, but Aquamarine cut him off with a finger to his lips.  
  
"Topaz, leave the human and prepare the communicators. I have a call to make" she smiled in mock sweetness at Steven. "I'm terribly sorry, but we'll have to finish this little chat later; Blue Diamond deserves to know of my success as soon as possible"  
  
Steven shouted threats and demands after them as they left, but the footsteps still receded down the hall until he could only hear his own angry panting. After a few moments, the chains holding him up went slack, and he fell to the floor; pain shooting up his legs, pins and needles in his arms. Steven scrambled over to Lars.  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
Lars had curled in on himself in the corner. He was shaking. Steven leaned down and kissed him on the forehead, the scrapes and bruises he could see through Lars's ripped jeans fading away. Lars shifted just enough to glare at Steven, and then lifted his head up fully.  
  
"Steven, what did you do now? What stupid ..." Lars fumbled for words "magical adventure have I been sucked into?"  
  
Steven sighed and gave him a sympathetic look. "They were collecting humans for a zoo my mom used to have. Probably because they think the Earth will be destroyed soon- Not that it will! We took care of it!" Steven reassured Lars when he noticed the horrified look on his face. "The cluster is bubbled, everything is fine"  
  
Lars narrowed his eyes again at the mention of the cluster. "I don't even know what that means"  
  
"I know. It's a long story, don't worry about it." Steven sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He briefly wondered if he should ask Lars for his phone; maybe they weren't too far away yet. But Lars would've tried that already, and if these Homeworld gems knew to take Steven's they'd have Lars's too by now. "Look, Lars-"  
  
Steven stopped in shock as Lars began sobbing hard into his knees. He scooted closer to his friend, thankful the chains let him, and pulled him into a hug. Lars didn't hug back, and pushed Steven away after a few seconds. "Lars, I-"  
  
"This is all your fault!" Lars balled his fists. " _Again!_ " He looked like he wanted to punch Steven in the face, but, remembering his wrists were chained together, instead simply brought his hands to cover his own face and continued to cry.  
  
Steven flinched, ever present guilt eating at his stomach. "Y-yeah, I know. I'm so sorry." It's his fault, it's his fault, it's _his fault it's HIS FAULT-_ Steven took a deep, shuddering breath. He had to fix this. "Lars, I'm going to get you out of here."  
  
Lars sniffled and rolled his eyes. "And just how do you plan on doing that?"  
  
"Believe it or not," Steven slipped a couple of fingers under the band around his left wrist. "I've spent the past 5 years of my life getting out of situations like this." He pulled at it, pinching and twisting, but that proved to be ineffective, only managing to cut his wrist in the process. He gave up on the futile endeavor, and instead gripped a section of one of the chains between his hands. They were pale blue and smooth, almost slippery. Again, he tried to break the alien metal, twisting, pulling, and even biting it, but again, to no avail.  
  
In a flash of pink, Steven's shield materialized between his hands, and he brought the edge down hard on a section of the chain resting on the floor. His shield burst into pieces, pink sparkles falling to the ground around the unaffected chain. He glanced at Lars, who was torn between self pity and misplaced anger.  
  
"Well, I can't say I was expecting it to be easy." He chuckled sheepishly, avoiding Lars's glare.  
  
Steven jumped into the air, once again hovering where his chains disappeared into holes in the wall. Grabbing the chain on his right with both hands, he braced himself with his feet against the wall.  
  
Steven and whatever machinery was on the other side both groaned as he pulled. His muscles strained with the effort. This Homeworld technology was definitely more robust than anything he had come up against before. He clenched his jaw, and wound the chain around the palm of his hand for a better grip. It was painful, and just about the longest 20 seconds Steven had ever endured.  
  
He was just about to give up, muscles cramping, when he gasped as he fell slightly; the chain slipping out of its hole by a length of at least an inch and a half with a dull crunch. It was a small victory, but a victory nonetheless; maybe if he tried hard enough, he could pull it all the way out.  
  
Steven smiled through his panting "Ah _ha-_ "  
  
He was cut off mid celebration by an electrical crackling and yellow sparks flitting down the length of the chain to his hands. As soon as they met his skin, Steven fell to the ground with a sickening crack. It barely registered however, as his entire body felt like it was on fire already anyway. He screamed involuntarily. His muscles spasmed, tensing and releasing far too many times a second to count. He felt like his heart was pumping white hot acid through his veins.  
  
Just as quickly as it started, the searing pain stopped, and was replaced with a duller pain. Steven gasped and panted hard, sucking air into his aching lungs through a scratched throat.  
  
He sensed a presence above him and hesitantly opened his eyes. Through his spotty vision, he could see a very concerned Lars kneeling next to him on the floor, hands reached out to him. "S-Steven, what was that? Are you okay?!"  
  
Steven squeezed his eyes shut and groaned. "I-it's, I'm-" he coughed into his hand and heard Lars gasp. He glanced down at his fingers to see blood. "Lars, I'm gonna be okay, don't-" he coughed again "don't worry"  
  
"How can you know that?! You're literally coughing up blood, Steven!"  
  
He gave Lars a rueful smile. "It wouldn't be the first time."  
  
Lars paled.  
  
Steven pushed himself to sit up through the pain. For Lars's sake. "I have healing spit and tears, remember? I'm going to be okay." He kissed his wrists where the electricity in the bands had burned and blistered his skin. A soft pink glow and tingling sensation later, and he held them up to Lars. "See? All better."  
  
Lars looked skeptical, but placated enough not to push the issue. Steven set about healing his wounds. The throbbing in the back of his head, the overused muscles in his arms, the tip of his tongue (he had bitten it during his spasms); swallowing a few times and clearing his throat, he confirmed that he would no longer be spitting up blood. And with that, he was all healed. All better, right? Just like he told Lars.  
  
Steven sighed.  
  
The two boys sat in silence for a while. Lars had crawled back to his corner of their dull blue prison. Steven blinked and examined the room in the light for the first time, having been too focused on Lars, their captors, and his aching body to do so before; the walls were a desaturated grayish blue, and the ceiling emitted white light from every inch of it. He looked towards the opposite wall, and saw that in the light, he could just make out the thin outline of the door. The panel next to it was still glowing slightly, but washed out in the light from the ceiling. Besides that, and Lars in his corner, the room was smooth and pristine; no indication of any other potential to escape.  
  
Steven began considering his next step. There had to be some other weak point; he knew too well that there was always something else to try. He was so lost in thought when Lars spoke up that he almost didn't even hear him.  
  
"H-how, how many times?" Lars bit his lip.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"How many times? You said it wasn't the first time, so ... Steven," Lars turned to look at him with watery eyes. "How many times have you coughed up blood?"

Steven's heart broke for what had to be at least the third time that day. "U-uh ... like five that I can name off the top of my head" Steven smiled at Lars nervously. "It's okay, really, it goes away quick, with the spit being right there and all ... "  
  
"I know we've never been ... close, so I don't know much about your life, but ... you've been in situations like this before?" Lars gestured to the chains absently with one of his hands. "Like, often?"  
  
Steven felt a heat in his cheeks and turned to look at the door, the opposite corner of the room, anything but Lars. He rubbed the back of his head with a hand. "Ha ha, yeah. It can get a little ... intense hunting gem monsters, defending the planet. But, hey, what're ya gonna do?" Steven tried to joke it off, uncomfortable with this line of questioning.

"Are you like ... okay?"  
  
"Yep! Hey, I thought of something we could try!" Steven blurted, eager to be done with the conversation and get back to the task at hand. "Why don't you go to that panel over there, and we'll see if we can open the door?"  
  
Lars paused, staring at Steven with a look that conveyed both frustration and pity. Still, he stood and carefully shuffled his way to the door. He lifted his hand to touch, but hesitated.  
  
"Can you describe what symbols are on the green part there?" Steven asked, only being able to make out colors, even from as far as his chains would reach.  
  
"There's like, uh, one that looks kinda like a Z and one that looks like an M, and then one that's like ... a diamond with a criss-cross on it? I don't know Steven, these are completely alien to me, _literally!_ " Lars threw his hands up in exasperation, manacles clinking.  
  
"Okay, okay, uh. Tap the one that looks like an M." Steven guessed, trying to think of where he's seen the symbols and in what context. He had asked the gems to teach him, but they insisted he didn't need to know; he suspected they didn't want him to be able to read the things etched into the walls of the temples and buildings they'd visit.  
  
Lars hesitantly touched his finger to the pad. Nothing happened. Without waiting for confirmation from Steven, he tapped everywhere on the screen, correctly guessing that it wouldn't have an effect. He threw his hands up again and opted to pout in the corner furthest from Steven.  
  
Steven deflated. Of course it wouldn't respond to human touch; it's gem technology. He looked down at his hands. Maybe ... ? It was worth a try he supposed.  
  
Steeling himself for what would come next, he turned to Lars. "I'm going to see if I can get it to work."  
  
Lars furrowed his brow in confusion.  
  
"Just ... just stay back, okay?" Steven warned.  
  
Before Lars could respond, Steven had grabbed a chain in each hand and started forward. When he reached the end of his range of freedom, he began pulling. Knowing how much it would take, Steven began pushing himself past his limit almost immediately. He rationalized that this was a good idea when he managed to get about 5 inches on both sides before the pain started. Falling to his hands and knees, Steven _screamed_.  
  
When it stopped, he gave himself a good few seconds of recovery, ignoring Lars's horrified protests, and began again. He ignored his burned wrists as well, which were stinging and even bleeding in places. No use healing them now. He'd fix it all afterwards. If he could just get to-  
  
This time, he'd only managed an inch on his right before collapsing in the surge of electricity.  
  
This went on at least five more times before the door slid open and Aquamarine delicately floated in on tiny water wings. Steven gasped and fell back in shock, trying his best to look like he hadn't just been doing what he'd been doing. He managed to suppress the urge to cough, but his breathing was ragged, and his shirt and jacket stained with sweat and blood; it was probably pretty obvious.  
  
"And just what do you think you're doing?" Steven had expected her to be angry, but Aquamarine sounded amused, if not _pleased_.  
  
He glanced at Lars, who was shaking in the corner, cheeks wet and eyes wide. But it wasn't Aquamarine he was staring at, it was _him_. Steven winced sympathetically; he must be in worse shape than he thought.  
  
"N-nothing" Steven said, eyes darting back to Aquamarine.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry Rose, did you think we couldn't see you?"  
  
Steven paled. He hadn't thought of that; of course they were being observed, _duh!_ He could imagine it, his hopeless antics displayed on a giant screen for Aquamarine to entertain herself with. Escape seemed more and more unlikely with each passing minute.  
  
Aquamarine let out a squealing giggle at the look on Steven's face. "You really didn't know? Are you seriously that _dense?_ "  
  
His cheeks flushed red at that, and he opened his mouth to hurl the first insult he could think of at her, but she continued.  
  
"Well, despite how much fun it is to watch," she said, barely hiding a smile under a solemn expression, "I suppose I should probably punish you." She tapped a finger on her chin. "Oh, I know, how about you both lose your food privileges for the day? If you are indeed a human-gem hybrid like you said, you'll need human food to survive, yes? Your little friend certainly will."  
  
As if on cue, Lars's stomach growled, and Aquamarine grinned. "Unless, that is, you'd rather something else, Rose? I guess I don't have to punish the human, if you can think of something more fitting? Just for you?" She singsonged; she obviously had something specific in mind.  
  
Steven glared at the little blue gem with a look of seething hatred. "What do you want?" He demanded through clenched teeth.  
  
"Well, to be quite honest, Rose ... I want to hurt you. I want you to suffer." Aquamarine's glee had completely vanished, replaced by an obvious and deep seated resentment. Scanning Steven's face for recognition, she continued. "You took everything from me. _You ruined my life!_ " She shouted, her anger growing with each word.  
  
Steven had resigned himself to his fate as soon as the speech started; he knew right away what this was about. He'd seen it before in Jasper, and a few others.  
  
"You were Pi-"  
  
"I was Pink Diamond's, yes." She cut him off. "Her _first_ Aquamarine. I was _special_. But now ... I'm one of many. Her Lustrous Blue Diamond is perfect and I am, of course, loyal to her every whim" Aquamarine stated blandly, forming her hands and arms into the diamond salute. "But ... I _miss_ her" she practically whispered; the quietest Steven had heard her since they'd met, hours ago.  
  
Steven's look softened and he subconsciously reached out to her with his hand, wrist aching.  
  
"Aquamarine, I am so, so sorry for what happened; for what you've been through. I know how hard it can be to lose a loved one." Steven pushed through his speech despite his aching throat and hoarse voice. "There's something you should know though. She wasn't shattered, she-"  
  
"Don't pretend you _care,_ Rose Quartz. You shattered a Diamond; _your_ Diamond. If you had any sympathy at all when you were formed, it's gone now." Aquamarine's expression hardened, once again masking her pain. Her wand materialized in her hand, gem glowing slightly with the action. "And now, you're going to suffer like I have suffered."  
  
Steven would've laughed if his throat wasn't so torn up. Of course. Of _course_ he'd meet another gem who needed to take out their grief and anger on him, use him as a punching bag, for something that _never even happened_. Something that was his burden before he was even _born_.  
  
Instead of laughing, he turned to Lars and blurted "They need me alive. The Diamonds will want me alive for ... whatever it is they're going to do. I will be okay. Try not to look, it'll prob-"  
  
Ah, well. At least he had gotten that much out before it started.  
  
Steven cried out as the blue energy field smashed him into the wall behind him. He threw up his arms, a shield materializing over him, as the field became a fist, slamming down on him. It came down so hard that the floor dented and cracked beneath him, his very bones aching with the pressure.  
  
"Now, now, it's not really a punishment if you don't submit to it. Lower your shield, or I'll have to punish someone who doesn't have one ..." Aquamarine lilted, shamelessly exploiting the weakness she had found.  
  
Steven dematerialized his shield immediately, scowling at her. He wanted to look over at Lars, check on him, but he knew he couldn't handle it. Not while this was happening. He swallowed hard. _Don't cry._  
  
Aquamarine giggled, and picked Steven up with a flick of her wand. Every instinct was telling him to fight, but he didn't so much as struggle in the translucent blue grip. "Oh, giving up now are we?"  
  
Steven couldn't help, but refused to acknowledge, the tears rolling down his cheeks.  
  
"Good." She yanked him towards her, further than his range; his arms twisted backwards painfully, and he yelped. The chains slipped a few inches in response, resulting in a shock he was now all too familiar with.  
  
Aquamarine waited patiently for the sparks to die down before slamming Steven onto the ground. She didn't release her grip however, instead picking him up and going down again and again and again.  
  
Steven's ears were ringing, nausea building up from disorienting movement, pain, blood loss, head trauma, take your pick. He knew he'd be passing out soon (he's very familiar with the feeling), and while it wasn't exactly pleasant, it was definitely preferable to his current situation.  
  
The last thing he heard before it all went black was "S-Stop it!! _Please_ , he can't- please stop!!"


	2. He failed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so don't get too excited; the updates aren't always going to be this frequent, especially not until the semester is over. But! I got such an overwhelmingly positive response (especially compared to when I posted the first chapter to deviantart, and essentially got crickets), that I was too excited to wait!
> 
> This chapter is shorter, and more comfort than hurt, but I hope you enjoy it anyway!

When Steven came to, the first thing he noticed was a weight on his chest. He should probably be more worried about that, but everything was too painful, too blurry, too slow. Instead he coughed, wincing at the pain it caused in both his throat and his ribs. He swallowed a few times, and the urge to cough dissipated. He lifted his head, and looked down to see an orange-tanish blob ... oh! _Lars,_ Steven realized as his eyes finally relearned to focus.

Lars's eyes blinked open at the movement of his pillow, and then he sat up quickly, blushing lightly at having been caught. "You're awake! Geez, Steven ... I-I don't- I mean, are you-"

"Wh- Lars! You have a black eye!" Steven struggled to sit up, reaching a hand out to his friend. "Did Aquamarine do that?"

"... yeah. I tried to stop her from ... w-well, you know. Anyway," he smiled and waved a hand. "I'm proud of it; it's the first one I got for doing something brave. Seriously Steven, I don't know how you're so happy all the time, this is really messed up" 

Steven bit his lip, not knowing how to respond. Yeah, it is messed up. But he's used to it, really. As long as he can help, as long as he can save his family and friends, he'll be happy. He'll be _fine._

"L-let me heal your face" he said finally, deciding he didn't really want to reflect on how 'happy' he managed to be.

Lars slapped a hand over his eye and held his other arm out to keep Steven away. "Uh-uh. You heal yourself first. Gimme a little more time with my badge of honor." He beamed.

Steven smiled back through his exhaustion. He then started his routine once more. A kiss on each wrist, a little saliva in his hair, _yuck_. He delicately prodded his ribs with a few fingers; definitely bruised if not fractured. He rubbed some saliva there too. Breathing a sigh of relief and sitting up straight, he turned to Lars. "Your turn"

Lars moved his hand and let Steven kiss his darkened eyelid. "I wish Sadie could've seen it" he said wistfully, "She tried to get me to help. Y'know, before you saved us."

Steven turned away suddenly, Lars's words unexpectedly hitting him like a ton of bricks. "I-, I didn't though. You're still here. I failed." Steven swallowed the lump in his throat.

"No, you saved everyone else; it was my fault ... for hiding. For being a wuss." Lars rubbed the back of his neck with a hand.

Steven choked back a sob. "Lars, it's _my_ fault. It's _all_ my fault. She only knew your names because I told them to Peridot before she left Homeworld!"

"W-well, it's not like you told them to come." Lars pulled Steven to lay in his lap. Frowning at Steven's shuddering breaths.

"I-I thought that maybe I c-could fix it. Could finally undo what sh-she did. B-but- but I don't wanna be here, don't wanna d-do this! I'm _s-scared!_ I just- just wanted-d to save everyone, b-but I c-couldn't- couldn't even-"

 _Couldn't even do that right;_ Lars was still here. He _failed._

He couldn't hold it back anymore, and sobbed into Lars's dark gray T-shirt, arms wrapped around his waist, ignoring the way his chains dug into his wrists again. "I try" _hic_ "s-so hard," _sob_ "but I can n-never seem to- to fix _anything_." Ugh, how _embarrassing_ ; Steven's cheeks heated with a familiar blush, and he buried his face further into the older boy's abdomen.

Lars grimaced and hesitantly began rubbing Steven's back in small circles. "Geez Steven, you're being way too hard on yourself. Not everything is your fault, or your responsibility to fix."

"B-but, if I don't fix it, who will? The gems do their best, but they didn't even know about half the stuff Ro- my mom did until, u-until I, I-" Steven began hyperventilating, hitching sobs causing his body to shake even more violently.

"Whoa, Steven, breathe." Lars rubbed between Steven's shoulder blades with his thumb.

Steven tried to slow his breathing, but only managed to give himself hiccups. He sniffled and whined; great, he's even a failure at _breathing._

Lars continued to rub Steven's back, unsure of what to do, or what to say; who _would_ fix all those weird, magical gem things if Steven didn't?

\--

After nearly half an hour of calming words and soothing fingers on his back, Steven's breathing began to settle, and his crying quieted. He had just started to nod off, warm and comfortable in Lars's lap, when the two startled at the sound of heavy footsteps approaching their door. Steven reluctantly sat up, tense, and preparing for the worst. He put himself between Lars and the door, shielding him as best he could.

The door opened to reveal Topaz. No Aquamarine in sight, but that did little to calm either of their nerves.

"Oh, uh" she said, noticing the air of anxiety "I have some food for you. Your rations for the day."

Steven and Lars relaxed slightly.

She produced two purple, geometrically shaped fruits and two rectangular tins, laying them down in front of the boys. "The water is in the containers, pull this tab" she pointed to it, squatting in front of them "to open it"

"Thank you," Steven said, fairly certain they could've figured that out on their own, but grateful Topaz was treating them with more respect than Aquamarine. "Um- is this it, though? One fruit a day isn't enough for a human to live on."

Topaz grimaced. "We were supposed to bring the humans to the zoo at the edge of your solar system-"

"Which would only take a few hours; no need to feed them," Steven finished for her, as it occurred to him, sighing in exasperation, "but now we're headed to Homeworld, which will take about a week."

She nodded. "These are emergency rations, and we don't have much."

Steven bit his lip. "Okay."

Topaz stood and turned to leave.

"Thank you" Steven called after her, giving her as much of a smile as he could muster.

She paused and gave him a sympathetic look in response, before disappearing behind the sliding door.

Steven opened his water and drank it all in a few gulps. He hadn't realized how dehydrated he was; it makes sense though, what with all the crying and healing saliva. Lars followed suit, obviously watching Steven for guidance. Steven smiled at him. "They're safe to eat; I've had some before. They taste kind of like red grapes, but with the texture of a- hmm, a nectarine, I think"

Lars picked up his fruit and bit into it hesitantly. He chewed slowly at first, but began eating ravenously after confirming that it really wasn't that bad. It reminded Steven of Amethyst; she'd bite chunks out of his plates if he wasn't careful. Lars blushed lightly when Steven laughed, wiping the last of the fruit from his face with the back of his hand. "Hey, I already hadn't eaten for hours _before_ I got kidnapped by aliens" 

"O-oh" Steven's stomach sank. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

Lars sighed. "Eh, it's fine man, don't worry about it. I never eat much anyway"

"Well, here" Steven leaned forward and picked up his fruit before handing it to Lars. "I was going to give this to you anyway."

"Wait, what? What about you?" Lars tried to give him the fruit back, but Steven refused.

"I'm half gem, and uh ... it turns out I don't need to eat. O-or, I can go without food and water for ten days at least ... " Steven trailed off, rubbing his neck with his hand, avoiding eye contact.

Lars frowned, brows furrowing. "How did you figure that out? Sounds like it wasn't intentional."

Steven closed his eyes, and brought his knees up to his chest, clinging to them. He could tell Lars, right? It's not like he died, everyone is safe and okay now, so ... no big deal. "It was a cave-in, three years ago. During a hunt for a corrupted gem. It was just me and Amethyst, but we split up to check different tunnels, and I got trapped under a boulder. I couldn't move, a-and-" _And I thought I was going to die._ Steven caught the rest of the sentence in his throat. Lars doesn't need to know that.

Lars shifted uncomfortably. "You don't have to talk about it if it's too upsetting ... "

Steven opened his eyes again, small tears forming against his will; he blinked them away. "It's okay. Amethyst found her way out and got Pearl and Garnet. I-it just ... took them a while to find me is all. About ten days. B-but it was so long ago, and now I know that I can go a while without food, and water if I'm careful with the healing spit and tears. S-so it all worked out for the best."

This incident was also the first time he cracked his gem, but Lars didn't need to know that either. Could he even understand what it's like to have half of your very being suddenly _broken?_

Steven had lost half his thought processing power and what felt to him like nearly all his physical strength in one sharp blow from a rock. He vaguely remembered bringing a shaking hand down to touch his gem, silently pleading to only feel the familiar smooth faces, but finding a long, thin crack instead. A crack in his gem, in _him_ , with edges so sharp and splintered he'd been afraid of cutting his fingers on them.

He remembered trying to heal himself, to lift the boulder, only for the crack in his gem to creep further across its surface with a terrible crunching sound. He had felt like his entire body was trying to tear itself apart from the inside out. The rest of the time he spent there was blurred in his memories, either from the sheer amount of constant pain, or his brain struggling to form coherent thoughts; probably both. 

After that incident, Pearl had started carrying vials of his mom's healing fountain water in her gem. They had come in handy at least three times since then; twice for him and once for Amethyst.

Steven thought about what would've happened if he _had_ died. Maybe Lars would be safe at home right now. Maybe the whole Earth would be safer without him. Maybe ... maybe his mom would've come back.

"I uh- I don't know what to say. Steven ... I'm so sorry"

Steven flinched at Lars's voice piercing his thoughts. He took a deep breath, calming himself. No need to cry again; that was forever ago, you're _fine_ Steven. "It's okay; I'm okay"

"You're really not, though." Lars scoffed. "How is it that Steven 'talk about your feelings' Universe is in denial about his mental health?"

Steven felt a heat rise to his cheeks. "I-I'm not! I'm okay!" He insisted, chuckling nervously.

Lars gave him a deadpan look, clearly unimpressed with his ability to lie.

Steven sighed and buried his face in his hands. "I just ... don't want to burden anyone else with my problems. I need to be strong- for my family. They need me. If I broke down crying at every little thing l-like I used to ... " The irony of the fact that he'd cried three times in the past 12 hours, once completely breaking down in front of Lars, didn't escape him.

Lars put his hand on Steven's shoulder, coaxing him out from behind his hands. "Steven. Look at me." 

"Y-yeah?"

"You're the strongest person I know. You're brave, and selfless, and the world would be a better place if more people were like you- if I were more like you."

Steven sucked in a breath, caught off guard by just how much he needed to hear that. He smiled tearfully. "Th-thank you, Lars. That's so nice of you to say."

"Yeah, well. Don't get used to it" Lars stuck his tongue out at Steven playfully. The two laughed and Steven felt some of his stress melt with it. A few moments of comfortable silence passed, and Steven yawned, his exhaustion fully taking hold.

"Do you think I could ... sleep in your lap again? Just for a little bit?" He bit his lip, hoping he wasn't being inappropriate or making Lars uncomfortable.

"Yeah, sure. C'mere." Lars scooted back to lean against the nearest wall, and patted his lap.

Steven eagerly crawled over and rested his head on Lars's legs. He felt himself relax and his breathing slow. He breathed deep, the smell of the Big Donut filling his nose. He smiled, letting his eyes flutter closed. After a few minutes of blissful thoughtlessness with only the sound of Lars's breathing and heartbeat to occupy his mind, something occurred to him, his shoulders tensing slightly. "Hey Lars?"

"Mm?" Lars hummed through his chewing, finishing off the last of his second fruit.

"Is it- am I a bad person for- for being kinda glad that you're here with me? I r-really don't wanna be alone right now ... " Steven frowned, immediately regretting that he had said anything; what would Lars think of him? How could he be so _selfish?_

Lars snorted. "No, of course not. No one would want to be in this situation alone."

Steven nodded and sighed in relief, releasing at least a little bit of his stress with a puff of air. He's not alone, and he's not horrible for being glad he's not alone. He managed to drift off to sleep.


	3. He doesn't deserve it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lars says the fuck word

The next time Steven was dragged back to consciousness he noticed the room was dark again. He groaned and rolled over. He couldn't have slept more than a few hours, and he was still exhausted. He felt another tap on his shoulder. "Ugh, Lars, stop. Just a few more minutes," he muttered.

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he felt adrenaline flood his veins. His head was resting on Lars's stomach; he was breathing slowly, and clearly _still asleep_. He sat up quickly, turning towards the possible threat, preparing to protect himself and Lars. The light pink glow of his shield illuminated the concerned and guilty look on Topaz's face.

"S-sorry" she whispered, crouching in front of him "I didn't mean to scare you."

Steven released his shield and forced his breathing to slow. "I-It's okay. Wh-why, uh. Why are you here?" He asked, keeping his voice low, trying not to disturb Lars.

A soft yellow glow emanated from her gems, and he could see her glance towards the door nervously, but it remained closed. "I want to help you."

"R-really?" Steven exclaimed, shocked. He grimaced at the noise and glanced at Lars, who was apparently a heavy sleeper.

"I've been watching you guys. Listening. What you have is so … _beautiful_ . You're headed towards certain doom, and you're both just happy to have each other. It reminds me of me; I don't know what we would do … if we couldn't be fused." She stared down at her hands for a long moment, expression scared but determined. "We have a couple escape pods. If I let you go, I'll … _we'll_ be shattered. But, if you made an escape attempt, and _he_ got away … " Topaz trailed off, motioning to Lars.

Steven nodded hastily. "What do I need to do?"

Topaz turned and looked at the door again, obviously nervous about being caught. "Aquamarine will be making a routine status report soon- in the next few hours. I'll come get you when it's time, and tell you then."

It made Steven nervous not to know the plan, but he couldn't just turn down help; he had to get Lars out of here. He had to fix this. "O-okay. Thank you, Topaz. You've been so kind." Topaz looked like she was about to say something, but thought better of it. She turned and left the room without another word. When the door closed, Steven was left alone in the darkness again. Well, not alone, Lars was still there; Steven could hear his soft breathing in the silence. 

Lars _was_ still there, but he wouldn't be for long; Steven could fix it. He felt butterflies filling his stomach, and was genuinely afraid he might throw up. This was his chance; he _had_ to get this right, he had to fix it, he couldn't mess up … _again_ . Lars had already suffered so much, and it was _his fault_ . Aquamarine _hurt_ him, and Steven hadn't been there to save him. Giving himself over to Homeworld had been a last ditch attempt to save everyone, and he had even managed to screw that up. _Why_ hadn't he checked that everyone had made it off first? How could he have _forgotten_ one of his friends like that? He was lucky Lars considered him a friend at all, with all the trouble that seems to follow him around.

His mind began to replay the events of the previous day. He couldn't get it to stop, though he wasn't trying very hard; after all, doesn't he deserve to think about it? The least he could do was try to learn from his failure … 

_He remembered squeezing his eyes shut tight, trying to will away the ringing in his head. He had been in the middle of explaining his mom to Aquamarine, when she apparently decided she didn't want to hear it, and swatted him back into the wall._

_His heart raced when he heard a metallic clatter, and a_ **_crack_ ** , _followed by Connie crying out in pain. He surged to his feet to see her on her knees before Aquamarine, gingerly cradling her left arm and choking back sobs. To his right, Amethyst screamed; Topaz had snuck up behind her and pierced her back with a destabilizer. She caught Amethyst's gem in midair._

 _"S-stop, please-!!" His desperate cries fell on silent ears as his family continued to struggle against the enemy._ _"STOP!!" He screamed so loud the ship shook, and the last of his kidnapped friends, along with Pearl, fell out the open door and into the water below. "Leave them alone!! Leave them, and I'll come with you."_

 _"And why would I want_ **_you_ ** _?"_

_"Because ... I am Rose Quartz; leader of the Crystal Gems. I shattered Pink Diamond."_

\--

By the time Topaz came back, Steven had worked himself up so much that he felt lightheaded and short of breath. He stood too quickly, and his vision went black for a moment. Great, Steven- perfect condition for an escape attempt. _Pull it together!_

Topaz entered the room, leaving the door open, and immediately turned to the panel, tapping several symbols that Steven couldn't see. The bands around his wrists and ankles beeped, and popped open at a seam that hadn't existed a second ago. The chains clattered to the floor, which was finally enough commotion to wake Lars.

Lars rubbed his eyes, which quickly flicked from his now chain-free hands, to Steven. "Wha- Steven, what's going on?"

Steven smiled, with only the barest hint of sadness. "We're going to get you home."

Lars jumped when he noticed Topaz, but seemed to gather what was going on. "S-Steven-"

"No time" Topaz insisted, turning and leaving without so much as looking at them.

Steven pulled Lars up, and hurried after Topaz, dragging the taller man along with him by his elbow, shushing his protests. They followed her down the hall to the left, and through a door on their right into a dimly lit room. Topaz went straight to the consoles and screens on the left wall, and began typing away silently.

Steven swallowed and tried to be patient. He scanned the room; he could see a rack of gem destabilizers on the wall opposite the door, and stairs to his left just inside the door. They climbed steeply, and disappeared into a dark, circular opening in the ceiling. The area to their right was mostly empty, but had a large, rounded rectangular window; he tried to look for the Earth, or even the Sun, but it had been at least 24 hours since they took off, and there was no way to tell which of the bright dots floating in a sea of darkness was their home. Lars was shaking slightly, so Steven intertwined their fingers and gave him a reassuring squeeze.

Topaz finished typing, and the console gave her an affirmative beep. To the right, in front of the window, a blue blob rose out of a glowing circle on the floor. Steven recognized it as the same kind of escape pod Peridot had used when they crashed the hand ship on the beach. Topaz retrieved a box from next to the consoles and, making eye contact with Steven, nodded toward the pod. Steven gently led Lars over to it.

"This is enough food and water for him for the way back. With a little extra." She told Steven, placing the box inside the pod; it occurred to him that she gave Lars extra because she overheard their conversation about food earlier, and it made his heart swell. Of course that meant Steven himself would have less later … Ugh, who _cares,_ he'll be _fine;_ what's important is that Lars gets home safe. "I've already programmed it to take him back to the exact coordinates we took off from." She continued.

When she turned and walked to the back of the room, Lars took the opportunity to say everything he'd been dying to say since he woke up just minutes ago. "Steven!" He whisper-shouted "Why didn't you wake me up sooner? Why is she helping us? Are you sure this is safe? That it's not some kind of trap? And _why aren't you coming?!"_

Steven took Lars's hands in his own, trying to keep him calm. "I'm pretty sure we can trust her." He glanced at Topaz, across the room, fidgeting with something next to the destabilizer rack. "I just- she's nice, I can feel it."

"Well, then why aren't you-" Lars stopped mid sentence with a strangled sound as Topaz strode back towards them. He couldn't help hiding behind Steven, just a little.

"Here." Topaz said, holding out a destabilizer to Steven. "Take it."

Steven's jaw dropped, and he wanted to argue, but the look on Topaz's face said there wasn't much time left. He reached out a shaky hand and gently took it from her. She grabbed his other hand and dragged him over to the consoles. Steven tried to give Lars a reassuring look over his shoulder, and Lars gave Steven his best abandoned puppy face in return.

"You're going to destabilize my form first, since Aquamarine will be notified when the escape pod launches, and she can't catch me helping you. This is the launch button" she said, pointing. "Then you have to destroy this part on the right. That's where all the security footage is stored." She looked him in the eye, intently and full of sadness. "If you don't, she'll know I let you out."

Steven nodded solemnly. "Okay. Okay, I can do that." His eyes filled with tears, and he launched himself into Topaz, hugging her and blubbering. "Thank you so much, you have no idea how much this means to me! Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

She gently detangled herself from his arms and smiled at him. "It's time."

Steven bit his lip, and his grip around the destabilizer tightened. He closed his eyes as he thrust it forward into Topaz's stomach, heart wrenching with guilt, breath caught in his throat. He heard her pained noises for only a second, and then felt a gush of air on his face. Topaz's gems clattered to the floor. He spared a tearful glance at them before dropping the destabilizer and rushing over to Lars, who had backed himself up against the wall.

Steven pulled him into a hug, tears soaking into his already tear-stained shirt. "Lars, I-, I don't know what to say, I'm so sorry I got you into this mess, b-but you're going home now. You're going to be okay." He took Lars by the hand again and led him back over to the pod. Lars's face was pale and his expression concerned, so Steven squeezed his hand. "It's safe, I promise. You'll have plenty of food and water, and it'll only take as long to get back as it did to get this far. It might be a little cramped, and I'm sorry about that, but-"

"Steven," Lars stopped suddenly, refusing to be led any further. He pulled his hand out of Steven's, and rested both his hands on the shorter boy's shoulders, forcing Steven to face him. "I can't just leave you here. Come with me."

Steven's gaze dropped, and his shoulders drooped under the weight of Lars's proposal. Oh, how he wanted to go with him. "I'm sorry, but I have to stay. If I leave, they'll just keep coming back."

His eyes rose again to meet Lars's, determination shining in them like stars. "This is how I can finally fix everything; save everyone! They want to punish Rose Quartz for shattering Pink Diamond, b-but mom _was_ Pink Diamond! She wasn't shattered! I'll just explain everything, and it'll all be okay!" Steven smiled nervously, unsure of which one of them he was trying to convince.

Lars's brow furrowed. "I watched you try to explain that to the little blue thing twice, and it didn't work. What makes you so sure it'll be any different when you get there?"

"I-I don't- I'm not- It just has to work, okay?" Steven whimpered, failing to stave off crying again. "What e-else can I do? Homeworld gems have-have come to Earth th-three times now that I know of, a-and it's all because of my mom. Because of _me_ . People are in _danger_ because of me Lars, I can't just k-keep running away!" Steven's voice increased in volume more than he intended, and he slapped a hand over his mouth, the two waiting in silence for their tiny blue captor to burst in, but she didn't. They both sighed in relief.

"L-look, we don't have time for this." Steven quickly and easily picked Lars up bridal style, and lifted him into the escape pod. "T-tell everyone not to worry; I'll be home s-soon." He sniffled.

"Wait-!!" Lars started to protest, but the front hatch of the escape pod closed around him, muffling his voice. Steven gave him one last sad smile before hurrying back over to the consoles. 

Better destroy the evidence first if launching the pod will notify Aquamarine; Steven lifted his arms, his shield appearing in his hands. He brought it down into the machinery with a crunch. Sparks leapt out of the crescent moon shaped hole. The screen above twitched with static and then went blank. Steven gave it a few more good smashes, just in case, and then reached for the launch button.

His heart leapt into his throat as he heard a loud crash behind him. Time slowed down, and his finger connected with the button before he could react. In a robotic voice, eerily similar to Pearl's, he heard "Error. Escape pod hull compromised; cannot continue with launch."

Steven quickly turned to see Lars clumsily climbing out of the pod, shattered glass surrounding the base of it. "Lars!! Why did you do that?!"

Lars fell on his butt, and opened his mouth to defend himself, when his indignant expression twisted into one of fear. Steven followed Lars's eyes to the stairs, and he had to swallow to keep from throwing up, nerves and stress eating his stomach. _It was too late;_ Aquamarine was gliding down the stairs, an unsurprised, unamused look on her face. She must have heard all the commotion. 

Steven dashed to put himself between Aquamarine and his friend, lifting his shield as he slid to a stop in the broken glass. "Aquamarine, I don't want to fight you. I already said I'd go with you, and I meant it, but let me send Lars home. He doesn't deserve this."

"N-Neither do you" Lars insisted, voice cracking with fear, or maybe emotion. Steven ignored the comment, keeping his eyes trained on Aquamarine.

She had reached the bottom of the stairs, and hovered in place. Arms behind her back, eyes narrowed, and expression unreadable. The crackling sparks of the smashed console drew her attention, and she spent a long moment peering at Topaz's gems on the floor, alongside the discarded destabilizer.

Steven gulped involuntarily when she turned her eyes back on him; her silence and unreadable expression unnerving him. "I-I didn't want to-, to hurt her, b-but she left me no choice!" He lied. Well, half lied; he really _hadn't_ wanted to hurt her.

Aquamarine held out her hand, her small blue wand materializing between her fingers. She said nothing as she pointed it at Steven. He dropped his shield and raised his bubble just in time to watch the big, blue fist crumple on the surface, right in front of his face.

This finally earned a reaction from Aquamarine who growled, and raised her wand, the field now taking the form of a gigantic mallet. She screeched as she brought it down on top of the bubble. Steven felt the impact in his very core, and hairline cracks spread across the pink surface. Aquamarine grinned at this and continued her assault, hammering away at the same spot, directly above Steven. His arms began to shake with the effort of maintaining the pink field.

"L-Lars, why did you _do_ that?! I-I can't- this- this was my last _chance-_ " his voice cracked. He can't, he can't, he can't _he can't-_

"Wh- I couldn't just leave without you!"

His head was pounding in time with Aquamarine's pounding on his bubble, and he was sure that he wouldn't last much longer.

"W-watch out, I have to-" Steven grunted, and slowly backed through the broken glass. Lars struggled to his feet and stayed close behind Steven, hands on his shoulders. Steven flinched as the mallet finally smashed through his bubble and connected with the floor just in front of him, leaving a terrifying dent.

He barely had time to push Lars backwards, away from danger, as the blue field snatched him up once again. Aquamarine flung him against the opposite wall, and he fell onto the destabilizer rack, which buckled and collapsed beneath him. Steven brought a hand to his head, squinting in an attempt to stabilize his shifting vision. His ears were ringing, his whole body ached, and he surely had at least one broken bone-

All sensations were pushed to the back of his mind when he heard Lars yelp. Aquamarine had picked him up after throwing Steven, and he was struggling in the grip. It took Steven too long to get back up, and she got Lars… it was happening _again-_

"Now," Aquamarine started sharply, speaking her first word since arriving, "Rose, I have your human, so you're going to listen to me."

Steven growled and shook himself free of the broken mess on the floor. He stormed towards her but stopped, nearly falling backwards, when Lars let out a strangled gasp.

"Ah, ah, ah! I wouldn't come any closer if I were you; I don't know how much more he can take." It was clear Lars was being crushed, his breath coming in short bursts and his face reddening. His struggling stilled as he focused on breathing.

Steven's breath caught in his throat in guilt and empathy. "Please, d-don't-" he croaked. His legs failed him and he fell to his knees.

Aquamarine smirked. "You'll do what I say?"

"Yes," Steven barely managed a whisper.

"No more escape attempts?"

He shook his head.

"You'll accept your punishment for this?"

He winced, but nodded without hesitation.

She dropped Lars to the floor, who sucked in a breath then groaned hoarsely, rolling to his side. She held out her hand, as if to inspect her nails, and nonchalantly glanced down at Steven. "And if you _ever_ cross me again, Rose … I _will_ kill him."

Steven's heart nearly stopped. It had been implied, given that she had literally just been squeezing the life out of him, but hearing it made bile rise to the back of his throat. It was all he could do to nod his head, refusing to bring his gaze up from the floor to meet hers. A bright light flashed in Steven's peripheral vision, but he didn't have the energy, or even the motivation to look for the source. Fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately, he didn't have to wait long to find out what it was.

"Ah, excellent timing; Topazes, please escort the prisoners back to their cell. Or, hmm … maybe keeping them together is part of the problem." She mused, tapping a finger to her chin.

Suddenly filled with life again, as well as fear, Steven shot to his feet. "N-no! I-, it was my fault; he didn't want to leave. I was forcing him, a-and- he's just a human, he can't be alone, _please-_ "

Aquamarine laughed. "You'll do just about anything for those little humans, won't you?"

Steven nodded, meeting her eyes this time. All the anger he had previously had for her was gone; he was too exhausted. Now he only felt sadness and fear. Well, and pain, but now's not the time to worry about that.

"What will you do for me in exchange? Why should I let you keep him?"

Steven grimaced at the implication that he _owned_ Lars, but, wisely, chose not to correct her. "I-I'll- whatever you want."

The Topazes frowned and silently took each other's hand. Lars had managed to sit up, and shook his head vigorously, not able to force words out of his throat quite yet. It seemed Aquamarine was the only one delighted by this news.

"Well, let's see, I've always wanted to be the one to shatter _the_ Rose Quartz-"

Lars gasped, and nearly hacked up a lung.

"-but, I doubt the Diamonds would be on board with you being executed before you even got to Homeworld."

Steven, Lars, and the Topazes shared a collective sigh of relief.

"I have, however, been asked by Blue Diamond to run a few simple tests on you, since you appear to be a human-gem hybrid now. I've since come up with a few of my own experiments as well," she giggled "and I trust I'll have your full support, and _enthusiasm_ for the project?"

Steven took a deep breath and nodded. For the millionth time in however long he'd been trapped on this blasted ship, he felt sick to his stomach. He'll have ulcers before this is all over.

"Excellent! It all worked out for the best then! I'll see about the repairs here, Topaz- both of you- escort the prisoners, and then start on your report of the incident. I am particularly interested to know how she managed to overpower the both of you." She shot them a frustrated glance before focusing on her work.

The Topazes grimaced, but released each other's hands to follow their orders. One went and carefully picked Lars up from the floor, while the other stood in front of Steven and held out her hand. He took it, and they made their way back to their prison. Steven limped down the hall, refusing Topaz's offer of being carried like Lars.

Lars tried to speak several times, but it was clear his throat had been severely damaged, and he gave up. When their chains were secured, and the door closed behind them, Steven pressed a saliva coated hand to Lars's Adam's apple.

Lars breathed deep, and sighed in relief. "Thank you"

Steven sniffled in response. "D-do you, uh- anywhere else?"

Lars held out his hand, which was bloodied and bruised, most likely from breaking the glass windshield of the escape pod. Steven took it and kissed it gently. "I-I'm pretty sure my tailbone is bruised, b-but um-"

Steven nodded, and licked the palm of Lars's hand. "Rub it in where it hurts"

Lars blushed lightly and tried not to think of the fact he was sticking his hand down the back of his pants, rubbing spit on his butt. When he looked up again, Steven was curled up at the base of the wall where his chains ended, face buried in his arms. "Aren't you hurt? Don't you need to, you know, fix all that?"

Steven hesitated, then shook his head.

"Come on Steven, you're not gonna convince me you're not hurt; she threw you across the room for fucks sake"

Steven remained silent.

"C'mon bud, just get it over with"

"No."

Lars blinked. "Wh- no? Why not?"

Steven mumbled into his folded arms.

"What?"

He lifted his head just enough to be heard. "I don't deserve it, Lars. I'm a failure. I ruined everything _again_. I c-couldn't save you, and I-" he curled further on himself as his chest heaved with sobs.

"Whoa, hey, don't deserve it? What are you talking about?"

Steven tried to answer but couldn't form words. He was being crushed under the pressure of needing to protect, to fix, to save; he couldn't _breathe_ . It didn't help that he was now hyperventilating again. He had failed his second chance to save Lars, one that Topaz had risked her own life for; oh, she must _hate_ him. He doesn't understand how _Lars_ doesn't hate him. He certainly hates himself enough for the both of them. It's not _fair_ that he can just heal all his pain whenever he wants. He's always causing others so much pain he can't fix, he _deserves_ to feel at least a fraction of what they're feeling.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Steven registered a light pressure on his shoulders, and he was brought to the present by the sensation. Lars was rubbing circles into his shoulders and shushing him. Great, he was breaking down in front of Lars again. Making his friend deal with _his_ issues, _again._ His friend that was lost in space, abducted, and missing because of him.

"Dude, please calm down. _I'm_ the one who ruined it."

Steven sniffled and whined. "No Lars, it's n-not your fault, I'm so s-sorry I yelled at you, I- I just- I'm _sorry-_ "

"But it _was_ my fault."

Steven shook his head. "No, I could've- should've gone faster. I-I was too slow. Should've launched the pod sooner, I-, you're too kind, and I should've known-"

"Dude! Shut up!" Lars's frustration was clear in his tone, and it made Steven flinch. "S-sorry, sorry, I shouldn't have said that." He sighed. "But really; Steven, it is _not_ your fault. Please stop blaming yourself for something I did."

Steven heaved a shuddering breath. "I-I'll try. I just … I had a second chance to save you, and I _failed-"_

"You didn't fail, you were sabotaged. And I would do it again; you don't deserve to be here alone. Frankly Steven, I'm a little hurt you haven't acknowledged how brave it was of me to do that." Lars's smile was about halfway between a smirk and nervous doubt. 

Steven snorted. "Pfft, yeah, okay." He wiped at his eyes, and pulled himself to sit up. "It-, it actually was really brave. And very selfless. Thank you"

Lars's smile widened and he puffed out his chest. "You're _welcome._ Now hurry up and heal yourself you doofus."

Steven laughed. He inspected himself. His tears had done some of his job for him; the gashes on his arms from the sharp points of the destabilizers were gone. The gashes in his jacket would remain, unfortunately. He prodded his right leg until he found the fracture, and found a tear in his pants to rub the saliva through. A few more bruises and cuts, and it was done.

Steven sighed and leaned back into the wall. Head tilted up, he stared at the ceiling. His eyes stung, and he told himself it was because the light was too bright.

Lars mimicked him, but turned his head to look at Steven instead of the ceiling. "I, uh. I'm sorry I got you in trouble. You didn't have to agree to … that. I can handle being alone. I'm alone all the time anyway … " he trailed off.

Steven shook his head. "You did all that just so _I_ didn't have to be alone. The _least_ I could do was return the favor." He smiled sadly. "Besides, I'm pretty sure the experiments are going to happen whether or not I have 'enthusiasm for the project'." he said, mocking her words.

Lars sighed and let his gaze drift to the floor. "Yeah … probably."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *posting this after almost certainly bombing my astrophysics midterm, and finding out I got a 64/100 on my radiative processes midterm*
> 
> I can have a little positive reinforcement for my existence ... as a treat


	4. The story of his life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven is punished for the escape attempt, and also, he would very much like Lars to stop making him talk about his feelings, geez

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey uh!! I don't know if this is necessary or not, but just in case! I feel like this chapter is a little more intense than the previous ones; a little beyond the usual "Steven's bones are probably breaking but you can't actually see it" cartoon violence. So! Trigger warning for blood!

Steven didn't know how much time had passed; it was pretty difficult when he didn't have his phone, or even a window. Not that a window would be much help in space anyway. What he did know is that Lars had continued to rub his back. He had protested at first, albeit not very convincingly, but had eventually accepted the kindness. It was the best he had felt since leaving Earth, which is why it was so disappointing when he felt Lars's hands stop moving. He was about to ask what was wrong when he heard it; echoing footsteps coming down the hall. 

Groaning, Steven stood. He held his arm out to stop Lars from standing too. The footsteps came to a stop just outside, and Steven felt Lars grip the back of his leg. His eyes widened when he heard the familiar beep, and he quickly pulled himself free of Lars just before he was yanked back and upwards by his wrists; narrowly managing to avoid kicking Lars in the face.

The door whooshed open and both Aquamarine and Topaz, who was fused again, let themselves in. He breathed a sigh of relief despite himself; at least he succeeded in keeping Topaz out of trouble it seems.

"Hello, again! You'll be happy to know that the damage you caused was minimal, and as such, I've decided to lighten your punishment slightly!"

Steven rolled his eyes. "Oh yeah, I'm thrilled."

Aquamarine took the sarcasm in stride, and clapped her hands together. "Good! The security cameras are back online, but we lost all previous footage. Which, I suspect, was the intention?"

Steven tensed, but resisted the urge to look at Topaz; it might give her away. After a few moments of considering his options, lower lip pinched between his teeth, he decided it would be okay to admit it, and nodded.

Aquamarine grinned at his cooperation. "Very clever, Rose! But ineffective, because now you're going to tell me exactly how you got out."

He saw Topaz stiffen in his peripheral vision, and wondered if he should chance looking at her now. If anything he says contradicts what she put in her report of the incident, she could be caught. But if he looked at her for help right at this moment, it might be just as obvious. He did have one other option …

He swallowed thickly. "N-no."

Aquamarine's smile dissolved, replaced by budding anger. "Excuse me? You're not going to get out again- there's no point in keeping it a secret. Besides, you know there will be consequences if you don't cooperate ... " She hadn't mentioned Lars, but the threat was obvious from the tone of her voice; frustrated, but also self-assured. She knew how much he was willing to do for his friend, and she knew that _he knew_ she was prepared to kill him.

Steven squirmed in his restraints. Simply refusing to tell her wouldn't cut it; he needed to come up with something that would keep both Lars and Topaz safe. His mind raced, but didn't give him anything helpful. Aquamarine cleared her throat, and he began to panic, breathing fast and short, when a workable idea finally began coming together in his head. "You can't-, can't make me tell you. A-and if you hurt Lars, I will never tell you." He said, his heart pounding. _Please work_.

Aquamarine narrowed her eyes at him. She opened her mouth, but it was his turn to cut her off.

"B-but, I might- _will_ be willing to- to tell you af-fter ... after my punishment." In his peripheral vision, he saw Lars's expression shift. "B-but, I don't want him to see me h-hurt. T-Topaz could- could take him outside, a-and I'll ... submit to my punishment." This time, he looked at Topaz, under the guise of begging her to take Lars. "P-please, he's just a human, he d-doesn't understand. Will you _explain_ to h-him why I need to be punished? Please _tell_ Lars why _what happened_ was bad." He silently willed her to figure it out. _Please_ understand.

Finally, a look of understanding and _relief_ crossed Topaz's face, and Steven was able to breathe steadily again.

Aquamarine was silent for an agonizingly long moment. "I suppose that would be fine." She shrugged. "I _am_ quite pleased that you've become more subservient; and it's only been 36 hours! Imagine the looks on the Diamonds' faces when _the_ Rose Quartz- traitor, _shatterer-_ obeys my every command!" She smiled widely and waved a hand at Topaz. "Go ahead and take the human. I will call you when we're done here."

Lars wobbled to his feet and began to back into a corner as Topaz trudged towards him. "Steven! What are you doing?! Why-" Topaz covered his mouth with her hand and tucked him under her arm. Steven could see tears in her eyes as she looked at him one last time from the doorway. He sighed; caring about him causes others so much unnecessary pain.

Steven's heart leapt into his throat as he suddenly plummeted to the floor. He pushed himself to his hands and knees and looked up to see Aquamarine at the control panel; she had released him from his chains. 

Noticing his eyes on her, she explained. "They'd just get in the way."

Steven nodded. "S-so what should I- what do you wa-ant me to do?"

Aquamarine beamed. "So cooperative!" She lifted her hand and her gem glowed. Steven was expecting her wand, but instead she pulled out a thick, black whip. His breath hitched.

"Do you like it? It's a replica of an Agate's whip; specially made for punishing insubordination!" She loosened her grip and let it unfurl, the few feet at the end bunching up on the floor. It had little red spikes down the length of it, which looked much sharper than the purple nubs on Amethyst's. "I said I'd lighten your punishment, so I'll allow you to take off your appearance modifiers, if you don't want them ruined."

Steven's face drained of color when he realized what she meant. He slipped out of his jacket and shakily pulled his shirt off over his head. His heart was thumping in his chest and he took a deep breath. This is for Lars and Topaz; he has to keep them safe. He can't let them pay for his mistakes. _He has to do this_. He set his clothes to his right in the corner.

"Perfect! Now turn to face the wall."

He shivered as he placed his hands against the back wall to brace himself. For Lars. For Topaz. He has healing spit, he'll be _fine-_

_"Agh-!!"_ It was so _sudden_ , and so _sharp_ , and he had _not_ been prepared. Steven wobbled and fell to his knees, tears already beading at the corners of his eyes. He pressed his palms harder into the wall to steady his arms.

The whip struck again, and elicited another pathetic half-whine-half-shout from him. Tears began streaming down his face, and he grit his teeth and tried to stay quiet; he didn't want to give her the satisfaction. But the next blow caught his back lower than the others and he couldn't hold in his scream. He screwed his eyes shut and let himself fall forward into the wall, forehead and hands pressing hard against the cold metal. His skin stung, and he could feel every painful inch traveled down his back by the little beads of blood escaping from his fresh wounds.

"Interesting. This appears to be damaging you much more than it would a normal gem." Aquamarine punctuated her discovery with another crack. A sob escaped Steven's throat. "How many more do you think you can handle? Humans tend to die from blood loss, yes? We wouldn't want that."

Steven blinked, panting hard into the wall. If he told her that he couldn't do any more, would she actually stop? More importantly, had Topaz had enough time to give Lars her full report? "U-uh. Humans c-can die from blood loss, b-but I forget how much."

Steven yelped and sobbed when the whip struck him again, without warning. "I-I'm s-sor-ry" he whined, not entirely sure what he was apologizing for; for forgetting, for the escape attempt, for _existing-_

"You have healing powers, correct?"

Steven sniffled and nodded.

"So that will prevent you from dying?"

"I- they've k-kept me alive s-so far, but I have t-to-, have to use my tears or spit o-on my injuries to fi-ix them. I guess I ha-ave lost l-lots of blood before s-so I-, I c-can probably-"

More lashes came, one right after the other, and Steven cowered and shook with each one. He could feel more blood streaming down his back, and he regretted implying he could take any more; he absolutely could _not._ He crumpled to the floor and curled in on himself, even though the action pulled at his wounds torturously. He sobbed hard, and barely noticed when the whipping stopped. Even in his dazed, pain clouded state, he could name times he's been in worse pain- but this was different. He wasn't fighting a monster to bubble it and keep it safe. He wasn't trying to rescue a friend. He wasn't fighting _at all_ . He was sitting still and waiting for it to happen. It hurt worse because she _wanted_ it to hurt.

On instinct, he shakily reached around to press his tear-soaked hands into the gashes on his back. It stung at first, but the relief that washed over him afterwards was worth it. When he had finally soothed enough pain to return to his surroundings, he flinched and let out an embarrassing squeak; Aquamarine was hovering mere inches from him, intently observing the healing process.

"Fascinating. I didn't say you could heal yourself yet, but I'll let it slide this time; there's something else I want to try!"

Steven quickly went from relieved to apprehensive. He sat up and scooted to press his back to the wall, unwilling to let it be touched. Which apparently was fine by Aquamarine, as she reached out a hand for his arm. He withdrew it immediately, clutching it to his chest. Aquamarine raised one of her eyebrows, and gave him a disapproving look.

"P-please, I-"

She snapped her fingers, and held her hand out expectantly. Steven winced. He bit his tongue to crush down a sob, and placed his forearm in her palm. _It'll be over soon, he can fix it, it's for Lars, for Topaz_. His mind was a jumble of reassurances, as well as his instincts screaming at him to run.

Aquamarine placed the end of the whip in his palm, and pressed his fingers to it. "Hold it tight!" She chirped. Steven did as he was told, and she smiled cheerfully. She meticulously wrapped the next few feet of it around his wrist, and then down his arm. The spikes poked his skin, but didn't break it, and he wondered what the point was; it barely even hurt.

Finally satisfied, she touched down on the floor in front of him, whip handle in hand. She grinned at him and pressed a button on the handle that he hadn't noticed before. Orange flames bloomed from just above the handle, and rapidly traveled down the length to his arm.

Steven yelped. He let go of the end of the whip, and tried to untangle his arm with his other hand. He fumbled in his panic, the whip seemingly melding to him. It wasn't coming off quick enough, and it _hurt._ There was no time to be careful. He yanked and pulled, gritting his teeth when the spikes cut deep into his searing skin. Aquamarine had anticipated this reaction, and planned accordingly; it was wrapped around his arm just enough that by the time he freed himself, he was already quite severely burned. She made no attempt to stifle her laugh.

Steven panted hoarsely, small whimpers escaping him as he stared, wide-eyed, down at his hands. His right forearm and both his hands were burned pink, blisters already forming in the most damaged areas. Blood seeped from the gashes along his arm, stinging his already aching skin. He shakily kissed both palms and his forearm as well for good measure. The stinging melted into a pleasant tingling, and he leaned back against the wall, trying to slow his heaving breath.

Aquamarine tutted. "We're really going to have to break you of the habit of healing yourself without permission."

Steven closed his eyes and clenched his jaw to prevent himself from doing or saying something he'd regret. Half of him wanted to strangle her, and the other half was _terrified_ of upsetting her.

"Ah well, that can wait. Right now, I believe you were going to tell me how you escaped." Aquamarine returned to her position in the air above him with a few quick flaps of her wings.

Steven grunted and crawled over to his clothes. He grimaced when his shirt stuck to the blood and tears coating his back. "B-bring Lars back f-first. I need to make sure he's okay."

Aquamarine rolled her eyes. "You and your little pets." She flew over and tapped a symbol on the control panel. "Topaz, we're ready for you."

After only a few moments, Steven heard the stomps down the hall, and nearly cried in relief when the door opened. Lars rushed over to Steven as quickly as he could with his ankles restrained, throwing his arms around him and pulling him into a hug. Steven laughed, and squeezed Lars back, harder than he ever thought he'd get to.

Lars was the first to pull away, hastily wiping tears from his eyes. "D-don't ever do that again, you jerk."

"Sorry," Steven's smile stretched across his tear-stained cheeks, then he gasped suddenly; he almost forgot! He pulled Lars back into the hug and whispered into his ear. "Did Topaz tell you what she put in her report?"

"O-oh yeah, uh. She-, she wrote that she was in the middle of some, um ... routine maintenance checks? When you came up behind her and attacked her. That you forced her to prepare the-"

"Alright, alright, enough _hugging_ ; it's disgusting." Aquamarine pulled Steven away from Lars by the collar of his jacket, and threw him to the floor. "How did you get out?"

Steven gulped, staring wide-eyed up at her from his position on the floor, propped up on his elbows. Hearing Topaz's report wasn't _nearly_ as helpful as he thought it would be. Well, at least he knew not to say that she had been in the cell with them at the time. "I-I, um. I ... u-used my shield to ... to f-force my hands out of-, of the chains ... ?" He bit his lip when he realized he'd ended the sentence as a question.

Aquamarine hummed. "And?"

"A-and then I-, I opened the door w-with the-, the panel." He nodded in the direction of the door. "Th-then I found Topaz and- and attacked her. And forced her to help me. Sh-she fought me, a-and she was doing a really good job! She almost beat me but I-, I threatened to sh-shatter her-"

Aquamarine frowned. "Topaz, you didn't put that in your report."

Topaz's eyes widened, and Steven desperately tried to backtrack "I-I mean- sh-she-"

"How very cruel of you, Rose; she was only doing her job. I think an apology is in order." Aquamarine gave him an overdramatic pout, obviously putting on a show; not investing any real care in what happened to Topaz.

Steven sighed in relief. "Y-yeah, she was. S-sorry, Topaz. Won't happen again." Topaz gave him a small, but grateful smile from behind Aquamarine's back. 

Steven took a breath to continue explaining, but Aquamarine held up a hand, clearly growing bored. "Enough; Topaz already has everything after that in her report. We're done here."

Steven let himself fall back onto the floor where he'd been dropped, stretching out his arms. _Finally._

"I need to explain the incident to the Diamonds, which might take ... a while." She frowned in concern, and Steven almost felt bad for her, but just as quickly as the vulnerability showed, it was gone. "Topaz, bring them their rations for the day; I'd like Rose to have her energy up for some experiments later!" She clasped her hands together and grinned down at Steven, who frowned and slammed his eyes shut, refusing to acknowledge her.

Steven felt the manacles close around his wrists and ankles. He heard the door close, some shuffling, and then felt Lars sit down next to him. He opened his eyes to see Lars staring past him, his face pale. "L-Lars? What's wrong?" He forced himself up, and turned to look.

_Oh._

The floor was splattered with blood around where he'd been kneeling; where he'd been _punished_. There was also a big smear where he'd leaned his back into the wall.

"D-don't worry, I'm-"

"Don't you _dare_ say you're _okay_ or _fine,_ or whatever else. Just don't." Lars's words were harsh, but his voice betrayed just how scared he was.

Steven paused, unsure of how to respond. He decided his best option was to say nothing, being way too exhausted to think of anything helpful to say, and sprawled out on the floor again. He let his mind wander, steering it clear of pain and punishments. Instead, he thought of his dad and Connie, concerts, dancing, and pizza and fry bits. Of his garden, Cat Steven, and Lion. Of Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl. He hoped they weren't worrying too much, but knew that was wishful thinking. Garnet has future vision; she'd probably _seen_ everything that's happened to him. He frowned; hopefully it wouldn't, well- _hadn't already_ upset her enough to unfuse.

He flinched hard when Lars cleared his throat, arm coming up to shield his head. Geez, he was becoming so _jumpy_.

"O-oh, sorry," Lars frowned. "I just ... I wanted to apologize. I mean, you're really _not_ okay, b-but ... I shouldn't have said it like that. I'm sorry."

Steven rolled onto his side to face Lars, propping his head up on his hand, elbow on the floor. "It's alright. I get it; heheh, I'm kind of a broken record ... in more ways than one!" He laughed lightly, but Lars didn't so much as smile in response.

"Why do you put yourself down so much?"

Steven felt a heat rise to his cheeks, and spread across his neck. "I-it was just a joke-"

Lars huffed. "No it wasn't. Trust me, I _know_ self-deprecation when I see it, Steven."

"Wh- I-" Steven groaned, rolling onto his stomach and burying his face in his folded arms. "Let's just ... not talk about me anymore, okay? Please?" He felt so guilty shutting Lars down, but he simply _did not_ have the energy to convince anyone that he was fine, let alone to _actually talk_ about his mess of feelings.

Lars folded his arms and scowled. "Fine."

Steven thought he'd appreciate the following silence, but it was deafening. He should probably apologize; Lars was just trying to help. Not to mention that he'd broken down on Lars a couple of times now, and he had been so patient with Steven's melodrama. But really, he's _fine ..._ if a bit of a trainwreck. So he makes jokes about it! No big deal!

He was almost glad when he heard the door open, and he was genuinely glad when he turned to see that it was Topaz. She had two fruits and water tins in her hand, and a box tucked under her other arm. She greeted them with a smile.

"Topaz! I'm so glad you're okay!" Steven almost stood to hug her, but thought better of it; the cameras were back online after all.

"I am!" She said, then lowered her voice. "Thanks to you! That was so smart!" She handed the fruit and water containers to Steven.

He gave her a nod and a smile in response. "No prob, bob!" He passed the fruits and a water tin to Lars.

She chuckled, no doubt not understanding the phrase, but apparently finding it charming anyway _._ She turned to the back wall, below Steven's chains. Gosh, it really was a mess; the floor still dented and cracked from his first punishment, blood smeared everywhere from his second. Maybe that's how he could keep time; he's _sure_ to earn himself at least one punishment a day with the way things had been going so far! He bit back a morbid laugh.

Topaz set down the box, and pulled out several pieces of ratty, old fabric. Steven let out a garbled gasp-whine when she got on her knees to start cleaning. He stood immediately and marched over to her. "Topaz, I'm so sorry, I had no idea you'd be forced to clean this up! Please don't worry about it; let me clean up after myself." He picked up one of the rags and knelt down.

"Steven! What is _your problem?!_ "

Steven froze, eyebrows arching in concern. Was Lars still mad that he had refused to talk? Mad enough to _yell_ at him? 

"Oh, don't give me that look. You're offering to clean up your own blood after- after that little demon _tortured_ you-"

"W-well, it's my- I mean, it's not like I _want_ to clean it up, but Topaz shouldn't have to!"

Lars shook his head. "Good _lord,_ Steven, you are going to be the death of me. Get your _butt_ over here and eat your grape-nectarine. She's got it under control."

Topaz nodded when he turned back to her. "It's really the least I could do." She shooed him from the box, both of them urging him to sit.

After a few moments of uncertain hesitation, Steven set down the rag, and shuffled back over to Lars, scolded and a little embarrassed. He opened his water and gulped it down, trying to cool some of the heat in his cheeks. "A-are you sure don't want my-?"

"Nope," Lars cut him off. "You are gonna eat your weird-ass alien fruit, and you are gonna like it."

Behind him, he heard Topaz giggle. Butterflies fluttered in his chest, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to laugh, cry, or throw up. Lars and Topaz were doing their best to take care of him. They cared about him so much, maybe even _loved_ him. Guilt clawed at his heart, because even though he knew it would hurt them, he _didn't want them to stop._ He latched onto Lars, hugging him tight. Lars lifted his arms just in time to keep Steven from smashing his half eaten fruit into his chest. When he finally away, he sniffled and wiped his face with his sleeve. "L-Lars, I-"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm great and awesome, I know." Lars blinked away a few tears of his own, and Steven told himself he didn't notice. "Now eat your fruit already, damn. It's like I'm trying to feed a baby; do I need to do airplane or train noises for you?"

Steven snorted. "Well now that you mention it, that would definitely help."

Lars grinned and picked up the fruit. "Yeah? And what about a plane _crash?_ Pffwhshrgkgkr!" He shoved it into Steven's cheek, mimicking the sounds of an explosion.

Steven squealed and snatched it from Lars's hand before he could smash it and get his face all sticky. "Okay, okay!" He laughed. "I get it!" He bit into the fruit and his body immediately thanked him; he hadn't even realized how hungry and lightheaded he was. He hated to admit it, but he was really glad Lars made him eat.

Swallowing his last bite, Lars wiped what was left of the fruit juice on his pants, crossing his legs in front of him. "So uh," his voice wavered, eyes diverted to the floor, far away from Steven, "can I ask why that ... blue _demon_ calls you Rose?"

Steven thanked the stars that he had just swallowed his bite, or he'd have choked. He opened his mouth to ask Lars to _please_ stop making him talk about himself, but his frustration extinguished upon seeing Lars's nervous fidgeting. Doesn't he owe it to his friend to explain why he's stuck here? Lars looked really uncomfortable; it must have been hard for him to work up the courage to ask. Besides, hadn't he recited the story of his life often enough that one more time couldn't possibly hurt?

"That was my mom's name. Well, _after_ she decided that she didn't want to be a colonizing dictator and destroy all life on Earth." He picked at a seam on his pants with the hand that wasn't holding his half eaten fruit. "She faked her death and started a war that thousands of gems on both sides died in, and that only ended with the corruption of hundreds of others, and the creation of a bio-weapon made of gem shard- um. Essentially dead, but still conscious body parts." His voice cracked, and he cleared his throat, opting to poke at his food now, rather than his pants. "I've spent almost my whole life capturing corrupted gems and fighting Homeworld gems who hated her- _me,_ and thought I killed their leader." He shrugged nonchalantly ... or tried to; it certainly helped that he was way too exhausted to cry again. Or maybe he'd just had to talk about this so many times that it had become an emotionless mantra; something he never let himself think about too hard.

Lars nodded, and leaned back in thought. "That sucks, man."

He hid it well, but Steven could still hear the sadness in Lars's voice, and could almost see it in his eyes, even though they were still trained away from him. He'd never seen Lars like this. Sad yes, and scared; like when they'd been trapped on Mask Island (when _he'd_ trapped them, he reminded himself). But there was something else there that he couldn't quite name. Something behind his eyes, and in his movements, and in his voice when he tried to get Steven to talk. He had seen it before, he realized, in the faces of his other friends from town, when he'd talk about his life. He pursed his lips. If it upset people so much to hear about it, why did they keep asking?

Lars tensed slightly when Topaz stood and stepped over to stand in front of them, box of now-bloody rags once again tucked under her arm. "Is all of that really true? Rose Quartz was ... Pink Diamond?"

Steven nodded.

"And ... you're not her ... "

Steven shook his head, and couldn't help giving her a sympathetic smile. "I'm not." Unfortunately for most, he was just Steven, not Pink _or_ Rose.

Topaz frowned. "Then ... this isn't fair."

Lars and Steven exchanged a glance, before bursting out in a fit of shared giggles. "S-sorry," Steven tried to hold in his laughter when he noticed her embarrassed expression. "We're not laughing at _you._ It's just- I tried telling her that, but Aquamarine wouldn't listen."

"O-oh. Yeah ... " Topaz diverted her eyes to the floor and shifted uncomfortably. 

"Thank you for listening, Topaz; it means a lot to me." Steven gave her a smile, and tried to pour all of his gratitude into it. "I know you're just doing your job, and I'm not going to ask you to try to get her to listen. I don't want you to put yourself in danger for me, okay?" She relaxed noticeably at his words. Good _-_ she really had done too much for him already. She sniffled and nodded before leaving.

The two sat in silence again after the door closed behind her. Lars brought a hand up to his mouth and yawned hard, the bags under his eyes becoming darker by the minute. Steven felt the urge to yawn too, but repressed it; Lars had taken care of him so many times, he owed it to him to repay the favor. "Hey, you look super tired, you wanna take a turn sleeping in my lap?"

Lars hesitated before nodding lightly, and curling up with his head on Steven's thigh.

Once he felt Lars's heartbeat slow, Steven allowed himself his own yawn, and leaned back on his hands. They had been woken up after just a few hours of sleep for their escape attempt, and hadn't had much of a break since then. His eyelids felt heavy, and he tried to blink away the urge to close them; he should stay up to protect Lars. Aquamarine said she'd be coming back 'later,' and _who knows_ when that would be ...

Steven jerked forward when he realized he'd let his eyes close. He glanced down at Lars, but it seemed he hadn't noticed. Okay, maybe he can close them; he'd still _hear_ when she came in. He couldn't possibly fall asleep sitting up like this, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I disappeared for a while!! I got really behind in my classes, and wasn't able to catch up, so finals week was just awful. In related news, I've been diagnosed with adhd!! XD
> 
> Anyway, I hope it was worth the wait! While reading and rereading it, half the time I felt like the punishment lasted too long and was too dramatic, and the other half of the time I felt like it was too short and harmless to be coming from Aquamarine ... Let me know what you think!
> 
> And thank you for reading, and comments, and kudos!!!


	5. He's so sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven is broken, then he isn't, but then he is again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaAAAAAA I'M SO SORRY this took so long!! I'm not dead!! Quarantining just completely wrecked my motivation to do anything
> 
> As a consolation prize, I'm gonna add art to the first chapter after posting this, so go see it if you want!
> 
> Also, if you ever want to talk to me somewhere where I won't disappear for months at a time, here is my whump sideblog on tumblr: https://ohnoithurts.tumblr.com/ I filled a few whumptober prompts there if you wanna see! (with drawings of Steven and Lars, of course XD)

Steven woke up to the sound of Aquamarine's voice, and nearly choked on a gasp.

"How are we feeling, Rose? Ready for some experiments? Of course you are! Let's head to the lab!" She smiled cheerfully.

Steven's heart pounded in his chest; it was a jarring way to wake up, especially when he didn't even remember falling asleep. Especially when all his muscles were aching from having slept sitting up. He slept _sitting up._ Geez, he's a _mess_.

He scanned Lars for signs of waking. Lars frowned in his sleep, and rolled over. Steven let out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding. This whole experience had been exhausting, and if Lars wasn't going to get enough food, he should at least get enough sleep. Ideally, he would still be asleep when Steven came back from ... wherever the _lab_ was. _Not_ because Steven was hoping that he could sneak back in, and Lars would never even know that he was gone, dragged away to be subject to _experiments_ ... no- just because Lars needed his sleep; that's all.

"Ex _cuse_ me-"

Steven held a finger to his lips, shushing her. "I'm ready!" He whispered. "Just give me a second; I don't want to wake Lars."

Aquamarine folded her arms and huffed, making no attempt to remain quiet. "Fine, but make it quick."

Steven nodded, and wiggled out of his jacket, folding it up and setting it to the side. He gently slipped his hand under Lars's head, and maneuvered himself out from under him. He placed his jacket beneath Lars's head, and set him down as gently as he could. Lars groaned in his sleep, but didn't wake up.

Steven stood and Aquamarine nodded in approval, fluttering over to the panel by the door, releasing Steven from his chains. He just barely managed to catch them before they clattered to the floor. After setting them down gently, he started across the room.

Aquamarine appeared between him and the open door so quickly that he nearly bumped into her. "Hey! Just where do you think you're going?"

Steven waved his hands at her frantically. _"Please,_ don't wake-"

"I can't just let you leave without some way of controlling you; you're not that obedient- _yet._ " She lowered herself to Steven's height, motioning for him to come closer. He stepped towards her, and she held out a thin, curved band made of the same metal as his chains. His breath quickened as she closed the gap between them, and positioned it around his neck. It clicked closed, and Steven lifted a shaky hand to touch it. He slipped a finger underneath, but it was a tight fit; he wasn't able to fit another one. His breath felt short and strained.

Aquamarine looked incredibly pleased with herself as she watched his discomfort. "Look familiar? If you misbehave-" she held out a small device with numerous buttons and knobs on it, "I can do this!"

She pressed a button and Steven collapsed to his hands and knees. He bit his lip to keep from screaming. It wasn't _too_ difficult; this pain was familiar. The electricity tensing his muscles, the burning where the metal touched his skin; although, he had to admit, he preferred burns on his wrists to across his throat. When it finished, he allowed his breathing to slow, and looked over his shoulder to check on Lars. Still asleep. Steven wondered what it would be like to be able to sleep that peacefully. He licked his lip where he bit it, tasting blood. "Alright, no misbehaving. Got it."

Aquamarine grinned. "Hold on, there's more!" She pressed another button, and the collar tightened around his neck. He could still breathe, but it came with a wheeze, and his vision began to darken from restricted blood flow.

"Ple-ease-" he begged in a choked whisper.

She hummed, and he didn't even get the chance to check on Lars again before she pressed another button. He sucked in a breath, sharp pain blossoming around his throat. He glanced down, whimpering when angling his neck aggravated the pain. He carefully stuck a finger under the collar and felt spikes protruding from it, almost piercing his skin.

"O-okay, I get it, _please-_ " he sputtered.

"You're right, that's enough for now." Aquamarine gave him a smug smile, clicking the button once again, retracting the spikes. "We'll have time for more later. Follow me."

He quickly scrambled to his feet and followed behind her, giving Lars one last glance before the door closed, relieved to see him still asleep and breathing slowly. His flip flops smacked the floor in his attempt to keep up with her as she led him down the hallway. He licked his finger and slipped it under his collar to heal the burns on his throat while she wasn't looking; he hadn't been punished for healing himself yet, but it was apparent he wouldn't get away with it much longer. He felt a little silly doing it-mildly irritated skin was certainly the least of his problems-but he felt like he owed it to Lars.

He followed Aquamarine into the room with the consoles and window, noticing that the only evidence left of their escape attempt was the dent she had put in the floor. Steven frowned; poor Topaz had probably had to clean all of that up by herself.

Aquamarine turned to the left and floated up through the opening in the ceiling, and he hurried up the stairs after her. They emerged into a circular, dome-shaped room, just under twice the size of his cell. There was a cluster of consoles and screens gathered in front of a small chair off to his right. But what caught his attention, and made his breath catch in his throat, was the area to his left; a reclining chair with wrist and ankle restraints was surrounded by tables of what appeared to be medical equipment. Though admittedly they were much more alien than the ones he'd seen on Under the Knife.

His heart panged in his chest as he thought of being cuddled up in his bed with Connie, snacking and binging her dramas and his cartoons. He found himself wishing he had looked at her more often, instead of the TV screen; what if he never got to see her beautiful face again?

Aquamarine cleared her throat, jarring Steven from his thoughts. She was over by the chair now, beckoning him to sit. He hesitated, intimidated by all the tools and being alone in a room with _her_. She rolled her eyes at him pointedly, again pulling out the little remote that controlled his collar. He nearly tripped in his hurry to the chair, and she laughed, probably reveling in the control she had over him. "First, a couple of things Blue Diamond ordered; after that, we'll move on to the fun stuff!"

Steven shifted uncomfortably in the metal chair, trying not to panic as she secured him in the restraints. At least when he was chained up in his cell he could move around most of the time. "I said I'd cooperate; y-you don't have to-"

"Oh, I _know_ you're going to cooperate. This-" she locked the last one in place with a click, "is for your own safety; to keep you from squirming too much."

Aquamarine retrieved a smallish container from one of the tables, but it looked much larger in her tiny hands. His stomach sank as she attached what appeared to be a needle and mechanical pump to the opening at the top. She hovered near his arm, but hesitated to go any further. "I've never done this before, but before I was sent on this 'mission'-" she used her free hand to make air quotes-"to collect humans, I was given a demonstration at the zoo, and as _brilliant_ as I am, I'm sure that's all I need."

Was she ... trying to comfort him?

She smiled mischievously. "But, that doesn't really matter does it? You can just heal yourself anyway; I might as well close my eyes while I do it!"

Ah. Nope.

Despite all her brashness, she inspected his inner elbow before carefully inserting the needle. He sucked in a breath; it stung a little, but actually wasn't that bad. That is, until she flipped a switch on the side, and it began to pump the blood from his veins. He gripped the arms of the chair as the breath was knocked out of him, the edges of his vision blurring. He clenched his eyes shut, and groaned when that only made his head swim even more.

"Oh, calm down; I didn't even take enough blood to kill a non-hybrid human."

Steven forced his eyes to focus, and glanced down; Aquamarine had removed the needle, and blood was seeping lazily from the hole it left. He watched as she swapped out the needle for a regular lid, and tried to gather his thoughts. "I-Its gonna keep bleeding if you don't-"

"So heal it, then." She returned from the table, and floated close, just a hint of excitement hidden behind her otherwise neutral expression.

Steven blinked. "Uh ... okay." He leaned over as far as he could, and let a little spit drip from the tip of his tongue. Aquamarine watched with just as much interest as she had the first time he healed himself in front of her.

"That leads us right into our next task! Blue Diamond requested an analysis of your healing powers, in addition to the blood sample." She turned back to the tables and retrieved another, slightly larger container; Steven was relieved to see that it didn't have a needle or pump screwed on top. Aquamarine moved towards him, but hesitated again, awkwardly holding the glassware in front of her. "You said- tears and saliva, correct? Which one- which is more potent?"

Steven hummed. "I actually don't know ... about the same? Saliva's usually easier though; here." He nodded towards the container in her hands, and opened his mouth expectantly. After a moment of skepticism, Aquamarine positively _beamed._

"I've never had a prisoner as obedient as you!"

Steven huffed, but didn't say anything, as the container was pressed to his bottom lip. He was very dehydrated, but also very used to salivating on command; having to heal someone, even after a long day with no water breaks, was a regular occurence. Aquamarine took the vial away when it was just under two thirds full, and Steven was relieved to find he didn't have to fill the whole thing. Setting it aside, she sat down in a cleared space on the table directly in front of him, crossing one leg over the other.

"So. These healing powers- where did you get them? The Diamonds never found any other Rose Quartz with your abilities."

Steven sighed and let his head fall back against the chair with a thump. "I've been trying to tell you, my mom wasn't actually a Rose Quartz; she was Pink Diamond."

"Pink Diamond didn't have any healing powers either. Nice try, Rose."

Steven groaned. "She _did_ though. She just didn't tell the other Diamonds about it."

Aquamarine scoffed. "And why in the world would Pink Diamond hide something like that?"

"Because she was using it to heal cracked gems fighting in the rebellion!"

"My Diamond would never!" She growled, her ever-present calm and apathy fading in irritation.

"Fine, don't believe me. Whatever." Steven rolled his eyes; why did she even ask if she wasn't going to listen? "What else do we need to do here then? Let's just get it over with."

Aquamarine glared at him. "We’ll finish this discussion later then, I suppose. Next is the reports; I've seen you heal your organic body enough times to write up a report on that, but I haven't seen you heal a cracked gem yet."

Steven stiffened, apprehension twisting his stomach. "W-well, I can. I've done it plenty of times before. More than I wish I had to ..."

"I need to _see it_ to write a report about it." She flapped her wings suddenly, rising from the table, over Steven, and toward the consoles behind him. He twisted in his restraints and craned his neck to see her, panic rising in his chest.

"Topaz, please join us in the lab," Aquamarine demanded into a microphone.

"Why d-do we need her?" Steven began to sweat, despite the cold metal chair and lack of his usual jacket. He watched as her irritation melted away, replaced by the same pleased, smug look she always seemed to have when he was scared or suffering.

"In order to heal a cracked gem, we need a _cracked gem,_ of course."

 _"What?!"_ Steven's heart pounded as Topaz's heavy steps could be heard ascending the stairs. He tested his restraints; they were much weaker than his chains, and he could definitely break out of them if he tried. But what _then?_ Aquamarine was stronger than him- _better_ than him-and could certainly beat him a million times over, even _without_ a remote-controlled shock collar.

"Topaz! Run!" He shouted as soon as she stepped into the room. Her eyes widened in panic, and she looked ready to take his advice; a terrified glance at Aquamarine though, and she waited obediently, if fearfully, for her orders.

"Topazes! I need you- one of you- ugh" Aquamarine sneered and gestured to the fusion. "Do you _mind?"_

Topaz’s expression shifted almost imperceptibly, but her discomfort was obvious. The two gems unfused and continued to hold hands for a few seconds before Aquamarine cleared her throat to get their attention again.

“You two really shouldn’t stay fused for so long anyway; it makes you so ... sentimental.” If she had a nose, she probably would’ve wrinkled it in disgust. “Anyway, as I was saying, I need one of you to volunteer for an experiment. To test Rose’s ability to heal cracked gems, one of you will have to be cracked temporarily-”

Both Topazes instinctively grasped at each other's hands again, shock and fear evident on their faces. The Topaz to Aquamarine's left began to hyperventilate, appearing to be on the verge of full-blown panic. The other squeezed her hand and stepped forward, putting herself between Aquamarine and her partner. She was obviously about to volunteer herself to save the other from suffering, and it made Steven's breath hitch and chest tighten.

“I _can_ , I can heal cracks I _swear-_ Aquamarine _please,_ you don’t need to do this-”

Aquamarine shot Steven a threatening look, and held up a hand to silence him. A chill ran down his spine, and he swallowed his words. She smirked at his hasty obedience, and it made him nauseous. Had she really broken him so quickly and easily? Was he really that weak?

“Blue Diamond ordered a report, so there will be a report. Now then,” she turned back to the two Topazes, one of whom was shushing and consoling the other. "I assume you're volunteering for the task?"

The calmer of the two glanced up at Aquamarine and nodded, but her partner wouldn't let go of her hands when she tried to pull away. "N-no! Please don't hurt her!"

The blue gem rolled her eyes in annoyance. "It'll only take a minute. Why don't you go check the course or the communications? You two could use some time apart anyway."

"I'll be okay" Topaz tried to assure her counterpart, but they were both crying now, and hugging each other closer. Steven blinked hot tears out of his own eyes; it was getting harder and harder to watch, but he still hadn't come up with a solution. Why was he always so useless?

"I can't- I won't let you hurt her," the other Topaz said, wiping her eyes, and quickly pushed her partner behind her before she could protest. 

After a moment of unimpressed silence, Aquamarine pulled out her wand and, before anyone could react, swatted the frontmost Topaz across the room. 

Steven stood abruptly from the chair, his wrists and ankles cutting through the restraints like butter; he barely even noticed, only just barely hearing them clatter to the floor. He locked eyes with Aquamarine who flinched in shock. The other Topaz took advantage of the distraction, and dashed over to scoop up her partner.

Brows furrowed and jaw clenched so hard he could feel his teeth creaking, Steven willed himself to be intimidating. "Stop it. Now."

Aquamarine quickly recovered from her brief lapse of calm and control, and put on the most annoyed expression she could manage. "Really, you're all being so dramatic." She tipped her hand, and blue came surging towards him.

Steven jumped and rolled to the side, coming to a stop several feet away on his hands and knees. Spotting the Topazes huddled together at the base of the opposite wall, he threw up a hand, surrounding them in pink.

Aquamarine let out an exasperated sigh, though he did notice that her voice wobbled just a bit. "You promised you'd cooperate if I let you keep your pet! Release them now-" she let her wand dissipate, replacing it with the remote control "-or I will make you."

Steven steeled himself and shook his head.

She started with the electricity, but that was child's play to him at this point. He maintained eye contact with her while his body shook and muscles spasmed. When that obviously wasn't going to work, she tried the spikes. They bit into his skin as the collar tightened, and he hissed in pain, but refused to react beyond that. She frowned, readjusting the settings so the spikes were gone, but the collar continued to retract. The edges of his vision were going black, and his lungs burned. He focused all his energy into keeping the pink dome above the Topazes.

Just as he felt on the brink of passing out, the pressure was gone, and he sucked in as much as his lungs would allow. Still heaving air in and out, he once again raised his eyes to meet hers. She looked more than a little panicked. _Good_.

She turned her attention to the remote in her hands, confusedly scanning it, as if it were broken. Steven saw his chance and took it. It nearly knocked the breath out of him to stand up, still very lightheaded, but he pushed through. He summoned his shield and flung it at her hard enough to almost knock him backwards. She glanced up at the movement, but it was too late. It hit her in the chest, sending her tumbling through the air before she righted herself. The remote, however, had flown from her grasp and clattered to the floor. Before she could retrieve it, Steven had her trapped in a bubble.

First, a beat of tense silence.

Then, she kicked, punched, screamed, and tried to burst the bubble with her wand. Sounding, for all intents and purposes, like a five year old throwing a tantrum. It was in vain, however, as Steven's fist was clenched so tight his whole arm shook; there was no way this bubble would pop before he wanted it to. _If_ he wanted it to.

He took a moment to just breathe. Allowing the sound of his own panting to drown out Aquamarine's muffled whining.

Had he really just won? He wasn't useless and broken after all?

His breath slowed, and he laughed- really, genuinely laughed. However, the swelling pride he felt faded slightly when he heard Aquamarine laughing with him. She was out of breath, and obviously pretty rattled, but it still sent a chill up Steven’s spine.

“Impressive!” She panted. “You seem so weak in this form, I’d never have guessed you could best me! Congratulations!”

He narrowed his eyes at her, and she grinned back.

“But, I can’t help but wonder if you’ve thought this through. What’s next, Rose? Even if you get rid of me, the Diamonds know you’re still alive; they’re expecting you. If you go back, they’ll come to that pathetic little planet looking for you.” 

He sneered at her. “I’m not going back. Lars is.”

She giggled, and it echoed eerily through the bubble. “Now? Even further away from Earth, with even less food? You know how fragile organics can be.”

Steven growled, hating that she was right. Heat prickled the back of his neck. “Then I’ll just keep you in there until you agree to write your report without cra- without hurting anyone. I’ll tell you everything you need to know.”

Aquamarine hummed, as if she were seriously considering it. “Hmmmmm, no. I didn’t get to where I am today by disobeying direct orders, and certainly not by giving in to rebel shatterers. You can’t keep me in here forever, and when you let me go, I’ll crack whoever I want.” She folded her arms and settled down into the bubble, appearing calm and comfortable, but there was an urgency to her voice, hidden under the confidence.

Steven scoffed incredulously. “How can you be so- so nonchalant about hurting someone like that?! How can you be so cruel?” His breath was beginning to quicken, and the heat at the back of his neck had spread, making the already uncomfortable situation even moreso.

The gem snorted. “Why would I care if I'm cruel? I'm effective."

Steven closed his eyes and tried to calm down. He knew Aquamarine didn't care about hurting him and Lars-she reveled in it, actually-but she doesn't even care about hurting fellow gems. She watched Topaz cry, and didn't care! Doesn't she know how agonizing it is to be cracked?!

Maybe he should show her.

Without opening his eyes, Steven inhaled harshly through his nose. He opened his hand, and began closing it again, as if he were squeezing a stress ball. It almost felt like the bubble, and Aquamarine, were in his palm

"Wh-what are you doing? This won't help you- let me go immediately-!"

Aquamarine's pleas fell on deaf ears; Steven could only hear his own outrage. His hand began to ache with the strain, but he barely noticed that either. He grit his teeth, and continued contracting his hand.

Aquamarine’s screeching grew louder, more pained, and reality finally came crashing back down when she sobbed. Steven’s eyes snapped open, and he stared up at the gem, wide-eyed. The bubble was so small that she had shapeshifted to retain her form; her teardrop gem took up nearly half her size. She was panicking, not even registering that the shrinking had stopped. She was suffering, scared. Steven’s eyes caught motion to his left, and he glanced down to see the Topazes.

They were huddled against the wall, no longer inside Steven’s pink dome. They were cowering ... _away_ from him. They were scared of him.

He dropped his arm, and it hung limply by his side, causing the bubble to pop. He noticed a harsh pink glow in the room just as it started to fade, and held his shaking hands out in front of him, confirming the light’s origin. He fell to his knees. What just happened? What had he done? What would he have done if he hadn’t stopped?

The commotion in the room sounded as if it were coming to him through water. He felt himself being picked up, and huffed out a breath when he was slammed into the wall behind him. He didn’t struggle in the familiar grip. He didn’t have the energy, or the desire. He barely managed a whisper, “I’m so sorry”

Aquamarine was across the room, as far from him as she could manage. She was shaking slightly, her wand in a white-knuckled grip. The Topazes were just behind her, still clinging to each other, still apprehensive. He cleared his throat.

“I don’t- that’s never happened before. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, I promise. I-I’m sorry-”

She held up her other hand, and he knew what that meant; his mouth snapped shut. “Shut it. I am going to finish my report, and no one is going to stop me. I will crack you all if I have to.” She emphasized this by tightening her grip on Steven, and he winced. It also gave him an idea, and he bit his lip.

“Okay ... y-you can crack me.” He saw the confusion on the gem’s faces, and realized he’d have to explain. “You have some of my healing spit,” He nodded towards the tables, “so you can crack my gem, and then heal me with it.”

Aquamarine narrowed her eyes at him. “That works?”

He took a deep breath and nodded. “You can write your report without hurting Topaz, and ... it can be my punishment for disobeying.”

The Topazes looked at each other and then up at Aquamarine, whose expression hadn’t changed. Then she nodded once, and dropped him. She flew over to the tables, and started rifling through the equipment laid out. By the time Steven had made it back to his chair, she had produced a weapon he had never seen before, barely the size of her arm, but he knew what it was meant to do, and it made his breath hitch. It looked like a miniature Breaking Point.

As he approached and sat down in the chair, Aquamarine quickly floated up and away from him. She was still tense and nervous; scared of him. It made him feel strong, angry, regretful, and dizzy, all at once. She beckoned the Topazes, and handed one of them the weapon. “Here. I’ll watch.”

The Topaz gaped up at her, glancing back and forth between the blue gem and Steven. “I-”

Absolutely not willing to go through this _again_ , Steven stood up abruptly, snatching it from her hands. He fell back into the chair, and yanked up his shirt. He paused, giving the glossy, pink surfaces an apologetic glance, before flinching as the tip of the weapon came into contact. He scrunched his eyes closed and pulled the trigger.

Sharp pain tore through his abdomen, and he immediately leaned over the side of the chair to throw up. He grimaced at the purple stained mess on the floor. Great, not only did he waste some of their precious little food, but he's practically made Topaz his maid at this point. He waited for the waves of nausea to die down before slowly and carefully leaning back in the chair, gripping the arms for dear life; he still remembered each of his cracks vividly, but it never seemed to prepare him for just how _wrong_ it felt. A tingling ran up his spine, making him shiver, and his hair stand on end. He could feel his own heartbeat, erratic and painful; somehow too strong and too weak, too fast and too slow. Out of sync with the pulsing from his gem, hot and cold; so sharp and so, so _wrong._ His brain struggled to adjust, finding everything to be way too much effort. A dark yellow blur loomed over him, and he weakly protested as it got closer. _No, not there, it hurts, please don't-_

Suddenly the wrongness was gone, the pain and confusion replaced with relief. Steven took a deep breath, reveling in the lack of discomfort when expanding his chest. He looked up to see Topaz anxiously regarding him, holding the now slightly less full container of healing spit. He smiled, genuinely grateful. "Thank you."

She smiled back, tearfully. Reluctantly, Steven turned his attention to the gem who had been making the past few days the worst of his life (or, at least in the top 5). "That's it, right? Can I go now?"

She peered at him with an expression that, to anyone else, probably spelled disgust and hatred, but Steven could see the fear and uncertainty underneath. "I have enough for my report, but you still need to be punished."

"What, being cracked doesn't count as a punishment?"

"Not if it's healed right away."

Steven's stomach churned, despite having been emptied just seconds ago. "No ..."

Aquamarine nodded, retaining her spiteful expression, no room for her usual satisfaction at his misery. "After you've been cracked again, you will return to your cell. You'll be healed when I'm ready to continue the experiments, most likely after a few hours; we do have to clean up the mess you've made, after all." She gestured to the broken wrist and ankle restraints, scattered around the base of the chair.

"I wouldn’t have made a mess if _you_ weren’t being so- such an asshole." Steven snapped, exhausted and irritable. He immediately regretted it when Aquamarine was suddenly in front of him, mini breaking point in hand.

Her expression was vicious as she slammed it into his stomach, knocking the breath out of him. She pressed the trigger and watched as Steven doubled over in pain. "Don't ever talk back to me again."

If she said anything after that, Steven didn't hear it. He was now too focused on the prickly static feeling arcing through his limbs. He tried to lift his face from the floor (wait, he was on the floor now- when did that happen?) but his arms were too weak. He whined, and tried again, but then he was flipped over and lifted, and everything was spinning. The breath knocked out of him again, he hiccuped, and cried out when it sent jolts of pain through his stomach.

"-so sorry- ... -ank you so much, I-" 

He could just make out a few words from Topaz as he tried to adjust. He could tell now that he was being carried across the room, every step making him wince. Topaz was still talking, but he couldn't make sense of the words. It's too fast, too loud, too much. He clinged to the front of her uniform to keep steady, and hummed when she noticed and tightened her grip on him.

He clenched his eyes shut when she started the descent down the stairs, the height (even with his blurry vision) making his head spin. When they reached the bottom, he forced himself to relax his muscles. Memories of spasms and muscles clenched so tight he was afraid they'd tear making him wary of adding any unnecessary stress to his body; he'd be dealing with all of that soon enough anyway. As the seconds passed his train of thought became harder and harder to hold on to, like a slippery bar of soap; the harder he focused, the more muddled his thoughts were.

He jolted at the sound of the cell door opening. He blinked at the bright light, eyes latching onto a blurry figure just inside.

"-ven?! Where were you-"

Oh yeah! Lars!

Oh shoot, Lars was awake. Steven frowned. And then whimpered when he was set down on the floor. He struggled to keep upright, before bracing himself with his arms, palms flat on the floor on either side of him. He really wished she had set him by a wall.

His head pounded, and he realized it was loud in here. Someone was yelling.

"-wrong with him?! What did you do to him?!"

"We- I didn't-"

Steven snorted. "Not her." His tongue felt fat and slow. "Awk .. uh. Aqwu ... " He huffed. "Th' blue one."

Suddenly Lars was kneeling by his side, now mostly in focus. Steven smiled when he noticed that Lars had his pink jacket draped over his shoulders.

"What happened? Are you okay?"

Steven nodded- ow, careful. Steven nodded _slowly_. " 'm okay. I jus' ... 'member how I told you 'bout, um. 'Bout how I got cracked?"

Lars paled. "D-did she ... ?"

"Yup." Steven lifted a hand and pulled up his shirt to show Lars. He looked down as well, getting his own first look at the damage. There was one big crack diagonally across the center, that got wider in the middle, and a smaller one that branched off downwards. Not ideal, but not much worse than others he's had.

He flinched when someone brushed his shoulder from behind, the sudden motion causing waves of pain through his torso. Topaz came into view on his other side, chains in hand.

Lars frowned at her warily, and she avoided eye contact as she reached for Steven's hands.

"N' wait! Please!" Steven panicked, attempting to scoot away from her. "Don't- too heavy." His limbs were practically made of lead already, he could not imagine trying to move with those things on his wrists.

She hesitated, giving him an anguished and guilty look, before reaching out again.

"Stop! I- leave th'- the collar 'nstead then!" He pleaded, words tumbling out slurred. "Still have th' collar on. 'N I'm cracked- I can't- not gonna-"

She put a hand on his shoulder and nodded quickly. "Okay, it's okay. I can do that."

Steven relaxed, so relieved that he could almost cry. When she stood, a thought occurred to him, and he desperately tried to grasp the right words. "Wait- um. C'n you- Lars's too? Please?"

She bit her lip, but nodded. She bent down over Steven, and took the manacles from both Lars's wrists and ankles before leaving.

When they could no longer see her, Lars turned back to Steven, hands hovered over him, shaking and unsure. "What- what can I do?"

Steven blew a raspberry. "Nothin'. Jus' gotta wait. 'S my punishm'nt for bein' bad."

Lars looked nauseous.

"W-w'll ... guess you could, mnh- I can't- arms're tired." He tipped his head slightly to gesture, frustrated that he couldn't articulate the problem. Confusion crossed Lars's features only briefly before it clicked. He carefully hooked his hands under Steven's arms and dragged him to the nearest wall. Lars shrugged Steven's jacket off his shoulders and laid it over him.

Steven hummed. "Thank you"

Then he felt his muscles begin to tighten, his vision going black at the edges. He briefly mused that he really needed to stop scaring Lars like this, before the burning pain ripped through his body, and his thoughts were nothing but _please make it stop._


End file.
